Shorties
by ThePhizz
Summary: A collection of short Slayers stories. Topics ranging from babysitting and raising children to holidays to Rezo coming back to life to Filia at a Lady Gaga concert. A/Z, G/L, F/X oriented.
1. Slippers

Slippers and Swords

Takes place right after the fight with Shabby

"Gimme it!"

"No!"

"Gimme it!"

"No!"

"Give me it now Gourry!"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Pretty please? With a cherry on top?"

"Hmm, on top of what?"

_Your battered corpse._ "…just give me the sword Gourry."

"No."

"Why not."

"It mine. My family heirloom. "

Something occured to her. "We've had this argument for the last three hours." It had been a _long _three hours, and she was pretty convinced he wasn't going to hand over the weapon. Still, there wasn't anything else to do. Trying to talk him into sense helped pass the time.

"Has it been that long?"

"I think so. So, gonna give me the sword?"

"No."

"If you don't give me it—"

"You'll what?"

"I'll…beat you up and steal it?"

He eyed her seriously. "I don't think you would."

"Gourry, you met me beating up bandits after stealing from them."

"They were bandits." The swordsman said simply. "And, as I recall, I was the one who beat the bandits up." He ruffled her hair. She slapped his hand away.

"You remember?!"

"A little bit. I remember thinking you were like, eight. And with those eyes, maybe a Mazoku, but I only thought that for a second. Then I thought you were jut a lost little kid. I might have been right about that one."

She slapped him again. "I'm not that short. You're just very tall. And you're the lost one."

"But nothing on the Mazoku thing?"

"I didn't think it deserved to be dignified with a reply."

"Maybe, maybe not. You still look very young for your age." His eyes narrowed as they looked her over closely, suspiciously. She flushed, not sure whether or not to stand there or to turn away or to hit him. The last option sounded the safest.

"I'm very youthful. When you look fifty at thirty, you'll be envying me."

"But, isn't your hair white?"

"Temporarily." She slapped him with a shoe. A worn boot to be exact. Gourry stared at her.

"Where did you get _that_?"

"It's mine. One of my old ones." She slipped it back into her cloak.

"Okay. Why do you still have it?"

"It's still good. Sort of. Good to hit you with anyway." The girl nodded sagely, the man's nod was more tentative.

"Do you have to use a boot?"

"What would you prefer, Gourry?"

"Just, something…softer?"

"Like I'm going to go easy on you! But,_ maybe_, I'll find something else. How do you feel about slippers?"

"Eh. I guess they're alright for keeping your feet warm."

"Are you even listening to me?"

"I really like the ones that are like bunnies. I used to have a pair back home."

"From now on, I'm going to carry around some slippers. And I will beat you with them. I'm sure you won't understand why, but I'd like to think in that pea-sized brain of yours, you might have some dim comprehension of why, and remember this moment."

"My brother had some too, but they were plain blue. My grandmother and my aunt would always send us some for Yule Day. I don't know why though, we never really needed them."

She sighed. "That's nice Gourry."

He beamed at her. "I thought so too. It's the thought that counts, right?"

"If you say so."

"So, from now on, you're going to hit me with a slipper?"

Out came the boot. Murder was clear on Lina's face. "Later. I think we'll stick with the boot."

Gourry swallowed. "When can we switch to slippers?"

"When fishmen fly, Gourry, when fishmen fly."


	2. Massages

Written for a slayerskinkmeme challenge on livejournal. Rated light to medium R.

* * *

"Zelgadiss?"

"Ah, so good."

"Zel?"

"Right there, oooh, harder."

"Zelgadiss!"

"Mehhh, you're so good at that. No, no, don't stop. I know it chafes. Just put more lotion on, Juan."

"Zelgadiss?!"

"I'll make sure to leave you a nice tip. Lower, please."

"Zelgadiss!?"

This time, the massager had to stop. The pain was too much. His hands…Well, that, and the sound of the screaming woman.

The door was nearly breaking beneath the frantic woman's fists. It almost felt like an earthquake. Several sticks of the incense had fallen over, along with some of the stacked yoga books, and a miniature fountain rocked on its marble base. Even if the chimera gave him the tip to end all tips, it just wasn't worth all the property damage. Gingerly, he took a step from the sighing blue man and carefully turned the doorknob.

A dark-haired, short girl dressed in an odd off-white outfit burst into the room. Her face was pink, and she looked embarrassed and furious. The innocent man took a step back.

"Zelgadiss?!"

"Yes, Miss Amelia." The chimera nearly purred. The woman, girl really, didn't quite know how to take that. Now confusion mixed in with embarrassment and fury.

"Miss Lina—"

"Can wait. Now, please, leave us." He motioned to the door with a blue, pebble dotted hand. The short girl looked even more confused.

"Did you lose your gloves? And where's your cape? And belt? And…shoes?"

The man pointed to the chair in the corner, where his items had been hastily thrown. Juan stepped back under the dark-haired girl's red glow. His hands didn't hurt so much right now.

"It's just…you've been here for hours."

"So?"

"We're worried."

"Why? Everything's under control."

"Mister Zelgadiss, I think you have a problem."

"Everything is under control. I don't have a problem. It's normal."

"Zel—"

"I live a stressful life; if I want to get a massage once in a while, why can't I have one?"

"It's just—"

"Everyone has one every now and then."

"You've been here for hours. And you keep coming back here, day after day. I don't think Amy even can recall you. Zach, h-he just keeps asking me 'when the blue man is getting back.' Andy, he, he doesn't say anything about you, I don't think he remembers you any more than Amy. And I don't know what to tell them. Gourry thinks you left town, and Lina stopped renting you a room at the inn."

"The kids are fine. Lina's a cheapskate and I can just stay with you. There's got to be room in there somewhere. The children are fine."

"Don't you want to see them?"

"I do see them," The blue man cried out, suddenly stung.

"They don't see you."

He looked away. "I'm stressed. Tired from working all day. Can't you understand?"

"Yes, but, this is too far." The dark-haired girl eyes darkened. The masseur made a move for the door. The silver-haired man grabbed his wrists before he could escape.

"No, Juan, stay. Amelia was just leaving." The hand tightened, and Juan knew he could not escape.

He saw a wedding ring gleaming on her finger in the dim light of the candles. It matched his patient's plain gold band, and things fell into place with a disappointing (she was pretty cute, nice body, regardless of her attitude) thump.

"Fine." Her face went red. "Fine!" She turned on her heel and stomped out of the little room. The door nearly shattered the frame, and more books felt to the floor. Distantly, Juan could hear the fountain dripping in the background.

"Juan." The words came from gritted teeth. His eyes were dark and slit, and looked right through the masseur. "Juan, continue."

"But, sir—"

"Continue, I said!"

Suddenly, his hands hurt very much.

* * *

What had he been thinking? Zelgadiss toyed with the mug in front of him. He wanted to stare out at the grey rainy sky, melancholically hanging around his like a shroud. But he couldn't bring himself to look up from the rich mahogany table.

At the counter, he could hear the waitresses gossiping about him. He heard the words '--elia and those beautiful kids,' and wanted to fall off his chair to lie desolately on the floor. He wanted the roof to crash in, to crush him, for lightening to strike him. Zelgadiss bent over his mug further. Despite how low and miserable he felt mentally and psychologically, physically, he felt great.

Zelgadiss bent over even more. He deserved pain. He deserved to have someone swing a heavy bat into his spine. Lina should just rush in here and fireball his ass.

He played with his spoon and thought about lodging it into his back as far as he could.

This café was his favorite, they served wonderful delicate pastries he loved, and the best coffee he'd ever drunk. Zelgadiss remembered cutting up Zachary's unpronounceable sugar covered tartlet while Amy tried to drink his coffee. Amelia had been fussing around with Andrew, and didn't notice her little girl stealing spoonfuls of her whipped cream out of her hot chocolate. Zelgadiss had mostly just taken care of his son, and laughed and made faces with Amy at Andrew to make him laugh. Amelia had been the one to discipline the children; Zelgadiss was too amazed by them to ever say a harsh word to any of them. They were all little miracles, even (especially, perhaps) Andrew who they'd adopted after rescuing him from the basement of an insane chimera maker.

Just thinking about that day made him smile, and he wondered what was wrong with him. Three wonderful kids, a beautiful wife who put up with so much of his crap, and he kept running away from it. Burying himself in work, or spending too much time in coffee houses or bars, that month with Lina and Gourry chasing after some rumor (he had known it was foolish, hadn't he?), and now wasting his time in some massage parlor. An innocent one, yes, but it was still a way to avoid his family.

Zelgadiss stirred his coffee. Why was that? He loved his family, little Zachary who took so much after his mother, Amy who had his smile (according to Amelia), and tiny Andrew who looked remarkable like Amelia despite the lack of relation. His little dark-haired family. Zelgadiss suddenly felt tears sting his eyes. He wished he could go back to that day in this café with his family sitting besides him.

All he wanted was to hold Andrew again, to hear Amy make another corny or inappropriate joke she'd learned from her red-haired idol, and to see Zach's sweet and innocent smile. Andrew was just learning to walk, and Zelgadiss wanted to be there to see him stumble around like a drunken sailor while Amy egged him on and Zach tried to be a good big brother and help him. Amelia would always tell him he should let Andrew learn for himself, but she would always have a small smile on her face as she watched them.

The chimera went through his pockets, looking for his wallet. He threw some random coins on the table and rushed out of the restaurant.

* * *

"Zelgadiss?"

She was wearing the sexiest lingerie, a slinky white piece that was sheer in just the right spots. Candles were everywhere; twisting the shadows on the wall and making his wife nearly glow in the darkness.

A certain dark spot in between her thighs caught his eye, and he suddenly doubted she was wearing anything underneath. It had been forever since he'd last seen her in such a thing. He was fairly certain that was the night they'd conceived Zachary.

He'd taken that fertility potion, then thrown the glass bottle to the floor before jumping on top of his wife and yanking up that little white outfit. Amelia had clung to him long after he'd finished, kissing him and telling him not to move, not to ever move. She loved having him in her for as long as possible. Once, the little princess had told him she never slept half so well as when she'd drift off with him inside her.

Zelgadiss felt a smile pull at his lips, and tears in his eyes. Why would he ever want to not spend every living second with this beautiful creature? Her hair looked more messy and curly than usual, and Zelgadiss wanted her on the bed, nude and on top of him. Her nipples were half-covered pink circles, and he wanted to suck on them through the fabric until they were hard and shiny…

She held a little bottle in one hand, but Zelgadiss couldn't take his eyes off her breasts for long enough to focus on it.

"Zel?"

"Where are the kids," Zelgadiss asked suddenly aware of their absence. Usually when he got home, Zach would run over to him babbling about his day and give him a big Saillune hug.

"Lina and Gourry are watching them. Took them for yogurt and a Sorcerer's Guild presentation."

"Presentation?"

"A lecture."

"Gourry and Andrew will love that."

Amelia laughed, and Zelgadiss felt a stone shift off his heart. It looked like everything was okay and she'd forgiven him. His princess tucked a strand of hair behind her ears, a smile playing on her full lips, and Zelgadiss had to resist jumping her right then and there.

She motioned to his with her little finger. "Come to bed, Mister Zelgadiss."

Amelia hadn't called him that in years. Too horny to think straight, Zelgadiss kicked aside the kids' toys the best he could as he followed Amelia's lead. Amelia had told them to clean up after themselves, but they rarely felt inclined to do so. His hands went to his belt as he stumbled on one of Zachary's stuffed dolls (no, they weren't dolls. They were action figures, not dolls or so Zelgadiss insisted), then the cloak. He pulled his shirt off, then his pants, cursing Amy's crayons when they snapped and broke under his soles.

It took him awhile to get there, and when he did, there was a very welcome sight to greet him. Amelia was already there, propped against the pillows, legs curled to the side. The little bottle was still in her hand, and he suddenly noticed what it was. Zelgadiss smirked, going to the bed. One hand stroked her legs, the other pushed down his underpants to mid-thigh.

"Mister Zelgadiss?" Her voice sent shivers down his spine. She hadn't called him by that name for some time.

"Yes, princess." He was too busy trying to kiss her knees while pushing off his last garment to see the sudden doubt on her face.

"Let's try something new."

"Hmm?" He sucked at her skin, making little red hickies on her thighs while running his hands down her legs. "'Something new'?"

"Yes, uh, that's nice." She touched his neck, playing with some of his wire hair. "How about you lay down here?" Amelia patted the place besides her.

"Sure." Zelgadiss gave a long lick to her right thigh before sitting next to his wife.

"Now, lay down."

The chimera stretched out, kicking off the briefs that had still been tangled around his ankles.

"No, on your stomach."

"Amelia?" He looked at her, confused.

"On your stomach." Her hands touched his shoulders, pushing him until he followed her command. Then she straddled his waist.

"Now, just relax." Amelia ran a hand down his back, something Zelgadiss could barely feel. She muttered an incantation, and the chimera shuddered at the warmth spreading from her hands.

When had been the last time they'd made love, Zelgadiss wondered, out of the blue. It couldn't have been that long ago. But he couldn't quite remember the date. They'd been here, on the outskirts of Saillune for a week. But the chimera didn't think they'd had sex once on this trip. Not actual sex, although they had touched each other the first night. And they'd made love the morning before the trip.

Nearly a week. Had things gotten this bad? And how long had the dry stretch been before they'd had sex that morning? Another week?

Zelgadiss flinched slightly as a wave of heat hit his back. It felt like someone had thrown a fireball on him. He tried to turn around, but Amelia held him down.

"Wha--?"

"Lotion." Amelia kissed his neck.

That was nice. That warm lotion felt wonderful. She'd done something to it, used some spell…Then she sank her fingers into his back, and Zelgadiss let a moan escape his lips.

"Now."

"Uh."

"Can we go to that play I wanted to see?"

"Amelia, I hate that romantic comedy crap."

"Pleease?" Her hands rubbed a particular knot near his backside, and Zel's head hit the pillow. Was his back made of stone, muscles, bones, or butter?

"Is that a yes?"

"Uhhh."

"Yes?" The rubbing became more intense.

"Uh."

"I'll take that for a yes then."

"Uhhn."

"And from now on, you'll change more of Andy's diapers."

"Nah." Ooh, that felt so nice.

"Yes?"

What was a diaper or two?

"Suh."

"Good. And, please try and be firmer with the children."

"Ium."

"No, you're really not. You let them get away with a lot." Her hands moved to his shoulders.

It took all his will to form the words. "Never done anything so bad."

"Still, you have to be a little stricter with them. Punish them when they do something bad. Remember when Zach pulled Amy's hair hard enough to rip a chunk of it out?"

Zelgadiss made a slight choking noise.

"Yeah, you laughed."

"Helled her."

"You did heal her, but you still laughed. And again when she threw her juice in his lap."

He choked again. And Amelia ran a finger down his spine. "Please, just try to not laugh. They need a father, not…you act more like a friend than a parent."

"What?" He tried to sit up, but his wife pushed him back down. She was usually on top of him when they had sex, but he felt like he was really being ridden at this moment.

"Yes, it's good that they love and like you, but you're their dad. Just," Amelia kissed a pebble near his shoulder. "Try to be a bit stricter. Remember what Gourry said. 'Rules and guideline.'"

The tall swordsman, who had two well-behaved children of his own, had actually said 'rulers and guildhalls,' but it didn't matter. He just couldn't yell at them. When he saw tears or sadness or disappointment in their big blue eyes…Zelgadiss sighed. He felt that way, but still could go days, even weeks without seeing them unless using a Vision spell.

What kind of father was he?

All those fears he'd felt when Amelia had announced she was pregnant…They'd been trying for years, using different potions and spells, and Zelgadiss secretly doubted they'd ever have a child. Then Amelia had pulled his head to his chest, both still sweaty and sticky from sex. She'd played with his wire hair, then had told him simply that he was a father.

Her eyes had been shy and a little scared, and Zelgadiss wanted to run through the halls screaming and pulling out his hair. But, then he saw her expression, she looked so afraid of his reaction; he had only put a hand on her stomach and asked her if she'd thought of any names yet. Then they'd both cried, and then fought over names and then made love again before falling asleep in each other's arms.

Amelia kissed his cheek. "You are a good father. Really, you are. They love you. We all do. But, you do let them get away with a lot."

"Yeah." He shifted a bit, almost making Amelia fall off him. She tightened her thighs and Zelgadiss felt a bit of lust returning.

"Amelia?"

"Can I roll over now?"

"Alright." She stroked at his back a little more, spreading the warm lotion further into his skin.

"Do you want to make love?"

"Maybe." Amelia had been angry, she was still not a hundred percent satisfied, but seeing him naked was always a turn-on for her.

"How long will Lina and Gourry watch the kids?"

Amelia moved to the side as her husband rolled over. "A few hours they said. It's hard to know with them."

"So…" His grin made her smile.

"Are we okay, Amelia?" Lightly, he cupped one of her breasts in his hand, squeezing through the thin fabric.

"Are we? You, you're gone so much…"

"I won't do that anymore. I promise." Zelgadiss kissed one cheek before rubbing his nose over the smooth skin. "I love you. And I love the kids. I do, it's just hard sometimes." He paused, trying to get the words right. The only thing that he was sorry. "I just get this odd urge to run away sometimes. It gets to be too much, I guess." He sighed, her hair touching his forehead. "I don't know. I am sorry."

"I don't know either Zel." Amelia cupped his cheek. "The kids and I love you too. But it's hard when you keep leaving."

"I won't anymore. It's just—"

Amelia stroked some of the pebbles before leaning forward to kiss him. She broke the kiss after a second, keeping her face still close to his.

"Just don't leave us." Her eyes were full of tears, and Zelgadiss couldn't quite say anything. What had he been putting his family, Amelia especially, through? He rested his head on her shoulder, careful to keep his hair from scratching her.

"Amelia?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you want a massage?"


	3. Prophesies

Takes place between the first and second season

* * *

Like a black flag emblazoned with a skull, the knowledge of the new prophesy seemed to unfurl before Amelia. As with the pirate flag, she was left feeling doomed and simultaneously felt an eagerness to fight it. In all of her novels about heroes fighting the darkness of evil, they always went down fighting. So would she. But, how could you really fight something like _this_?

The princess only wished Lina could help her with this; together they would fight back like they did with bandits and other nemesis, but she doubted the sorceress could do much. You couldn't truly _fight_ something like this. Well, you could, for instance, hurt Zelgadiss, do what those horrible priests in the far South had done to the pitiable boys they'd sworn to take care of after they'd been possessed, but Amelia doubted Lina would do that. Her sword rarely left its sheath anymore, and Zelgadiss would just run away before she could even pull his pants down.

Thinking about that story made her remember how she'd cried in the library afterwards and had been comforted by her only cousin that had lived past childhood. Amelia had told him what she'd overheard from some tutors, seeking comfort, and Alfred had just laughed and called her a pervert.

But Lina wouldn't do that.

The older woman could be cruel, but doing a…castration didn't seem quite right.

And it wouldn't be fair to Zelgadiss either.

But…how could she fight something like this? You could not just give up and submit to this type of fate. Did she say something to someone, hope to get advice? What could someone say? Should she tell Zelgadiss? In her prophetic not-dream, they'd both appeared to enjoy what was happening. But it was now slipping through her fingers like water, and Amelia could only lick her palm with a dry tongue and try to recall the dampness.

She could avoid Zelgadiss, but he was a friend, and the whole thing could have been a dream. Amelia *liked* him, but that much, not enough to dismiss her image out of hand as simply a nothing-dream. It wasn't even years and years into the future, where she might think something had happened between them and changed them. Her hair was a tad longer, but they wore the same outfits and neither had aged more than a few years at most. What else…? Well, they were in an interesting position, and Amelia didn't think she was quite able to hold that pose for very long yet. Maybe a few years of more acrobatics and stretching she could--

Amelia looked blankly up, not seeing the patched and leaking cloth that made up the roof of their rude shelter. Somewhere close she could smell and hear and feel Lina. Her heat was comforting, and Amelia thought about the infrequent cold nights in Saillune where she'd crawl to her sister's room or her parent's to seek warmth. Her sister more than not sent her running to the hallway to complain to their mother, and later, after she'd died, their father. Sometimes Gracia would ease up though, and allow Amelia to scramble onto the huge bed to find a patch of mattress and sheet to huddle on or under. Lina slept the same way as her one and only sibling did.

She flinched from a fist brushing by her face. Gourry and Zelgadiss were nearby, and surely they'd stop the older sorceress from beating her to a pulp, right? Zelgadiss would step in and he'd demand Lina unhand her…

Flushed, Amelia shoved the sheet off her and glanced around their rough 'cabin.' It was not a cabin in the least, nothing like a cabin except both involved wood and bugs, but Lina insisted it was, and so it was called a 'cabin' when she was in hearing range. A 'shit heap' Zelgadiss had called it, and even now Amelia was forced to giggle and feel scandalized.

The cursing wasn't quite it, although few people except her new friends ever did that in front of her. It was the tall man saying it where Lina could hear, with calm, cold contempt tinged with amusement. When she'd heard him say that, Amelia thought she could taste lemon cake crusted with almonds. The taste had rolled on her tongue throughout dinner: excellent grilled fish that Zelgadiss had caught and poached himself.

Maybe that's why she'd had that dream.

It might have just been a dream. Amelia couldn't say it wasn't in entire certainty. She was no expert sorceress and priestess. Sylphiel might be able to figure the truth out, but the long-haired priestess had left just yesterday to help with a sudden break of Red Plague in a small village a few days to the East. Amelia wished she had stayed. She'd had a way of calming Lina down that even Gourry struggled in, and was always pleasant to talk to. The latest tragedy (because even Amelia could sense there would be others, there was something in Sylphiel's green eyes that asked to be broken) in her life had given her an odd calmness underneath the silly schoolgirl attitude. Sometimes, Amelia envied the woman her gentle, but sturdy beauty. If the princess had met without knowing what had happened exactly in her past, she still could have sensed the tough robustness that enveloped her core. She had seen terrible things happening to her family and friends, and that was that. Those deaths had become a shard of steel in her. The fact that Sylphiel didn't even realize how much of her life was made up of Kopii Rezo's insane laughter and the smoke that rose from her hometown only added more weight to the core of the priestess' center.

But she was not here, and Amelia didn't know what to do.

Zelgadiss was sitting up, back against a rotting board, eyes closed. Something, possibly their roof or maybe her heart fluttered and he made her heart stop and her chest feel like it was being crushed. A rip above him let in a little moonlight and rain, and the drops on his face and the cold light illumining him were like something that could line Saillune's palace walls. Those long limbs made her want to run away and take a few deep breathes outside his presence.

She felt like something out of the books she and Lina read for laughs. 'Oh, ser, please allow me to fall into your arms and wash away my fears with your warm kisses.' How they'd laugh until their stomachs and faces ached, and now Amelia wondered what it would be like to fall into Zelgadiss' arms. She'd fallen on top of him, but that wasn't quite the same. Oh, how about him falling into her arms? He'd be heavy and hard, but Amelia thought she might risk that anyway to see those dark eyes peeking under that silver hair. You couldn't quite see both eyes unless you were looking up at his face. It made Amelia glad to be short. Who needed to reach things on shelves?

Were they just plain blue, or did they have darker or lighter colors glinting in his irises? She'd never looked at them properly before. They were familiar, even though Amelia was sure she'd never met him before fighting Kopii Rezo, and she shouldn't be thinking about him like this. She'd never focused on the exact color of her other friend's irises.

Amelia took a deep breathe. Slowly closed her eyes and opened them. Just calm down.

The blue cloth stretched above her was far too light to match his eyes.

…He looked different. And not just because of the color of his skin. The shape of his face was different from the sturdiness that made up the people of Saillune, and she' never seen such pale hair on someone so young. Most in her kingdom had dark, thick hair as opposed to thin sharp wire. There was something plain _exotic_ about him, the catlike stance and movements as opposed to the fast often graceless movements of others, the wry comments she'd rarely heard since everyone in Saillune tended toward sincerity, his smooth voice opposed to the roughness she'd grown up around. It was like stumbling upon a store in the street bazaars and finding it full or rare and valuable merchandise.

Maybe she'd been spending too much time with Lina, especially while she shopped? But that was how she felt, regardless of Lina's influence. Zelgadiss always had something interesting to say or do, and more than once she'd felt intimidated and inferior in his presence. How could anyone compare to him?

Cold fingers pressed against her thin skin of her eyelids.

There were _nicer _people out there, Amelia reminded herself. But there was no one who had so much to offer than him. Her tutors had trained her briefly on marriage and courting, and one thing they'd told her was to find the best she could. Find someone who comes from a distant area to strengthen ties and children with mixed parentages were often stronger than those who weren't. One of the reasons she and her sister had both been such robust children opposed to so many of her still-born cousins was that her mother had come from 'up North' while her aunt how been from Saillune. They were blessed by such strong blood, _blessed_, they'd gotten the Saillune's family luck like it was like their dark hair and should feel lucky and prey to the gods for their Aunt to be strong in childbirth, because she needed all the help she could get. 'Gods, if he loses another.' None of the tutors thought Uncle Christopher could take another dead child. But he had and he had again and again.

When she'd watched Alfred and her long-dead and favorite cousin Philip being spooned disgusting medicine, Amelia had sent a thanks to that surely cold place her mother had never discussed. With every case of mumps or pox she'd slipped pass, the colds and flues she'd dodged, and seeing Philip's small white coffin being slid into the ground, Amelia could imagine snow all around her.

Her sister would make snow angels and throw snowballs while Amelia saw herself trying to catch snowflakes. She hadn't thought of that tiny funeral in years. Any funeral.

_Being from the North hadn't saved Mommy from dying_.

Amelia couldn't recall her mother's funeral, but her uncles and her father had been making snowmen. She hadn't heard from her sister in some time, no new letters in months, and if she died her coffin and funeral would be bigger than Philip's. In this dank cabin, Amelia couldn't imagine what her sister's face now looked like. When she thought of her, she only saw her as a gawky teenager.

Once, when she'd watched him growing smaller like he was turning back into a baby she had cradled and played with, she whispered that she prayed Gracia would get sick instead of him. Her sister had pinched her throughout the funeral, and Amelia looked up at her pale face and knew that Gracia had listened in on them, knew that she'd wanted Philip as a sibling, not her. They had not fought again since that day, but their relationship couldn't be described as any more pleasant.

--'Lucky' Crawfell had whispered and handed her a candy she didn't want and had held her hand like her family's luck would rub off on him and save him but she had held Philip when he was drawing straining breathe--

'Find a foreigner to marry, Amy'. 'The blood, it needs,' her grandfather was coughing blood now and Amelia would soon see another white coffin against black dirt. 'The dirt's dark because it's fertile' her uncle Chris had answered to her question. The stubble on his chin matched the color of the earth. 'Fertile with what' she'd asked and 'Fertile from what' her sister had asked and he hadn't answered and in another year he buried his only daughter and wife and both Amelia and Naga had their answers.

'Not too close. Needs to be clean and spread. But spread far.' Grandfather's white handkerchiefs were always stained red. They would bury him alongside his father and his father before him with a flag over the coffin since he'd fought in the army. Lina's hair would make a startling contrast to the white all around them. She and Gourry would toss snowballs at each other, and Zelgadiss would look nice in a scarf and sweater. He'd hand her a mug of hot chocolate, their hands would touch, and then Amelia could believe she and her sister had gotten some luck after all.

'Get married soon, Amy (who was Amy, was he even talking to her? She never could be sure about that?) and get that one woman down that District to get the flowers.'

Zelgadiss was from somewhere in Atlas, Lina had mentioned before. Soon her father would be king and there might be talk of marriage. A new family member would be nice, a husband and child, regardless at first of dirty diapers and screaming at three in the morning. Babies _were_ wonderful, and everyone in the palace would have liked some children to pamper and renew life in the Royal Family. There was no touch of Saillune in his blood. Their children would be safer. Dark haired children with blue skin and eyes.

Ah, that was too much. Amelia knew she'd fallen back onto her blankets and pillow only by the thump her body made at impact.

Was it just the dream, the possible-prophesy that was making her feel this way? Before it had happened, Amelia had never considered him in a romantic light. Not really anyway. But, there had been small moments where he'd looked at her, and something in her stomach jumped like it was doing right now. Her tongue tied and knotted and it was a little harder to breathe. She'd chocked that up to being in the middle of a fight, but it was days later and now she couldn't look at him sleeping so peacefully like a kitten without feeling a heaviness burrowing into her torso.

He was a decent man underneath it all, a_ good_ guy even if he disliked it when she thought in such rigid terms, good-looking with a pair of the nicest eyes she'd perhaps ever seen (_what color were they, oh, but no, surely she didn't know the exact shade of blue, she didn't like him so much, no_), smart and resourceful, possessed small moments of humor, probably had nice taste, could cook reasonably well, and was good in a fight. If you through out everything else, their friendship, their age difference (_but, didn't Lina and Gourry have an even bigger age gap_) and somewhat a personality difference, if you could just consider things without passion and emotion besides perhaps a little blank animal attraction…

Clawfell, her family's favorite advisor, would have looked embarrassed and probably have agreed with her decision on choosing Zelgadiss. So would the other advisors and perhaps even the Council. Her father had liked him well enough when they'd met.

Wait. Wasn't she forgetting about Zelgadiss?

He had feelings too, might not even like her. For all she knew, he liked Lina. Of course, Lina liked Gourry and Gourry liked her, but Zelgadiss could still have a crush on the older sorceress. Lina maybe wasn't quite…she might lack the same looks Gracia and Sylphiel had, but she had a magnetism to her that was like the cruel light the palace sorceress would light around the outside of the building that killed any bugs that ventured near. Gourry was somehow like the huge bugs that would be able to zip around the light like it was nothing. Amelia hoped he didn't end up like those ones though; the sorcerers would always just pull out a flyswatter and kill them.

If Zelgadiss did like Lina, Amelia felt a little sorry for him. He wasn't big enough to survive being zapped by those things.

Or maybe he liked another woman. Sylphiel, for example. He had shown some concern for her at Rezo's underground lair. She was around his age and height, a powerful mage, and was sweet, kind and understanding. They could cook dinner together and exchange pleasant smiles and then neither one would have such somber looks anymore. Sylphiel hadn't insulted him as soon as they'd met.

There were other women out there too. Zelgadiss didn't have to fall in love with someone Amelia knew. He could even have someone out there waiting for him to return, a woman who sighed when she saw couples passing hand in hand, and would cast her mind and heart towards her lost lover.

He could even like men. She had nothing against that whatsoever, despite how conservative some of the older Council members were. Or like no one and nothing at all. Amelia reminded herself that the blue skin was something besides something that looked quite pretty in the bright light of morning.

Good guys don't lie Amelia or are you not a protector of the weak and innocent and the light of justice in the night?

Oh, _alright_, maybe she had noticed how attractive he was before this night. His lips were thin and simultaneously had a pout to them, and the sharpness of his chin drew the eye. That wasn't her fault; how could Amelia not notice such things?

But, Zelgadiss _was_ a chimera, her not-caring about his stone skin aside, and that might have affected him emotionally quite a bit. He certainly didn't discuss romance with them, and that might not just be him being a polite gentleman.

He had smiled at her once. There was more tenderness in his expression than she'd seen from him before and after.

It might not matter anyway. It might never happen. He might never…she might never…they might never do that anyway. Amelia rolled over, hoping Lina didn't clobber her back. The sheet fit nicely around her, and the late hour hit her over the head. She fluffed the pillow a little. It didn't really matter. Nothing was really guaranteed, nothing besides justice and the goodness of people's hearts. If they, sometimes in the future, made love, then there was nothing she could do. It happened when, _if,_ it happened. And it probably wouldn't anyway; she wasn't that great a priestess anyway.

Amelia stole another peek at him over her shoulder. His chin was resting on his flat, V-shaped chest. Those shoulders were quite broad for someone so slim. Not her fault for seeing that though, it was impossible to ignore. They went oddly well with the rest of them. She couldn't help noticing that. She also saw that Gourry was tall and had yellow hair and Lina was short and not very big and had copper colored-hair. You just noticed normal things--

His nose twitched and if he looked up at her with those too-dark eyes, Amelia wouldn't be able to come up with any excuses to explain why she was watching him. Zelgadiss hated that, and Amelia would just swallow her tongue which would worsen the situation and it was best to just pretend to be asleep.

She rolled over. Huh. Up close, Lina's hair was actually orange-ish and the elbow that hit Amelia was skinny as a broomstick. In the corner of her eye, Gourry's hair was pale gold. Zelgadiss was shifting, waking.

_His eyes were the color of waves crashing against a lighthouse in the oil painting besides her sister's room. Her mother had brought it from her hometown._

The blanket went over her head. Hopefully, Zelgadiss did not notice. Lina's hair was very orange. He was leaving to make breakfast since he was the best cook amongst them. He could probably make some chefs in Saillune jealous. He might one day make the chefs in Saillune jealous. The large clean white kitchen would look fuller with him in it.

Maybe though…maybe she wouldn't fight *too* much though, if the time came. When it came.

She _was_ supposed to be lucky, after all.


	4. Christmases

Crack ahead! A prediction of the future that took place in the AmeliaZellove livejournal community. So desperate for closure, we were forced to come up with our own ideas for the future of the Slayers gang.

* * *

Zelgadiss rolled over, hitting his head on the bedpost, waking his previously sleeping wife, and knocking over a rare statue they'd acquired during their impromptu honeymoon. He had not particularly cared for the piece of art, but Amelia had enjoyed it, and when she saw the broken arms lying on the ground, she'd be upset.

Why had they put the damn thing on their bedside table, anyway? Sure, Amelia had grinned and said it was a fertility statue and would work better by the bed. But that didn't make it true at all. The thing that had finally brought the birth of their two young children was potions and hard work.

Slowly, the chimera raised himself to a position which could loosely be labeled 'sitting' and stared at an ugly grandfather clock ticking in the corner of their room. It had been years since Zelgadiss had paid any attention to the noise it produced, but now he knew he'd be able to hear it and it would keep him awake for a few nights. Amelia rolled over, saying his name, murmuring the names of their children, asking if someone had broken in and was about to kill them.

Zelgadiss brushed her bangs away from her forehead, seeing how long they were and noticing she needed a hair cut. With two small kid, babies really, there had been little enough time for such small niceties. The holidays were just around the corner, and his oldest had just discovered how wonderful breaking the glass bulbs that hung on the lower branches of the festive tree was. Perhaps when the children began going to school in a few years…He slid the comforter over her shoulders, and urged unfeeling legs to move.

The walk through their quaint home took a year to complete. Things blurred and moved in the shadow. Wallpaper leered at him and the ivy vines painted on their stairs twisted and grew. An old, dying plant Amelia insisted on keeping despite the browning leaves reached out to grab his ankles with cold tendrils. Deep in the recesses of his chest, a violin stirred and played to the sound of his heartbeat. When he tripped over a doll, Zelgadiss could not even curse. A devil dance before his eyes and the sorcerer did not realize it was the tree's shadow blowing until the fireplace's poker was safely in his clammy hands.

Throughout his journey, unspeakable things whispering every time his slippers brushed the carpet, the knocking continued. The long corpses of pigs hung from the hooks in the kitchen, looking like dead overweight and hairless children. Vegetables recently scrubbed and waiting for tomorrow's feast lay in a large bowl like several body parts.

If it kept up, eventually Philip Gourry, or maybe Little Lina would wake up. They slept like the dead, but even they could only tolerate so much racket. Amelia would rise, sheets wrapped around her form, hair a mess, to ask him what was wrong. They would look to him for safety, or at least an explanation. He wished his wife was here; his heart was a frozen block of glass.

A cool frost escaped with his every breathe, which was odd because it was pretty warm when he'd fallen asleep in his comfy bed. He should go back there, leave the knocking for someone else. Perhaps their late visitor would go away?

The brass door knob was cold in his hand. Turning it was even harder than waiting those long hours for Amelia to give birth. No sooner had the door fell open to reveal a shadowed figure, a demon, a Mazoku, something from Xellos' nightmares than a long corpse-white hand went for his throat.

A gasp unfurled from Zelgadiss' throat. The poker slid from nerveless fingers to hit the ground. The hands dropped to his shoulders, pulling him closer to white inhuman teeth. There was no escape. Childhood fears returned and oh, _no, he was back the bells and oh my god what was he doing, no, not a hug, no—_

Amelia finally managed to escape the tangled sheets to the sound of her husband's screaming and a shrieking of "Grandson! How have you been?!"

Two warm toddies hadn't been enough to stop him from shaking. He sat there, crouched there to be more exact, in one of the barstools resting besides their tiny counter. The kitchen was pretty small, and Amelia had needed to hustle the children into the living room. Lina had gone willingly enough, but Philip kept running back into to hug his unresponsive father's knees. Finally, half a gingerbread man was offered up, and her only son tottered on the couch to google at them comically around his cookie.

Gravely (Amelia couldn't resist), with all the somberness of a corpse, Rezo refilled Zelgadiss mug. It took a moment for him to finish, since her husband's hands shook the glass hard enough for it to rattle on the marble counter. She winced, putting one of her own hands on his wrist to stop him. Their home had been a gift from her uncle, but Amelia was aware of how much this counter must have cost him.

Curiously, she was entirely without fear. Even when her…in-law mussed Lina's hair and handed her another sprinkle-coated sugar cookie. No fear, but a little irritation. All that sugar would keep the children up all night. Her stare at the Red Priest became a little annoyed, and her sip of the cooling drink was frigid.

She feared for Zelgadiss' childhood. Clearly Rezo had allowed him all the candy he'd wanted until he was sick and finally passed out from hyperventilating as he jumped up and down.

"Mommy!"

"Yes, dear?" He was going through a yelling phase. That's what her father and uncle had told her. Children went through it, and it was perfectly natural. Amelia took a long pull from her glass.

"Who's that man!?"

"That's your Grandfath—"

"Great."

"—Great-Grandfather."

"We got two of 'em?!" The concept seemed too much for the boy to withstand, and he nearly fell off the overstuffed couch. Crumbs spilled all over to the floor.

"Yes." She looked back at him questionably from beneath her long fringe of dark hair. He did not appear to be a zombie. His odor was not nearly as bad. There were not enough patched of skin and hair missing.

"Mister Rezo, please, where--?"

"Please, Amelia, you're my granddaughter. We needn't be so formal." To the left of them, Zelgadiss whimpered and filled his mug again.

"Yes, well, Rezo, (his name in her mouth was the same flavour as that time she'd let Philip help prepare dinner and he'd squirted lemon juice into the roast and she hadn't noticed until she'd take a bite) why are you here?"

"How!_ *How*_ are you here!?" Zelgadiss yelled loud enough to make Amelia wonder what his own screaming phase was like.

"Did you break out from the hell we sent you too? Twice?!"

"And why are you here, Rezo?" Her small fingers disappeared into Zelgadiss' clenched hand.

His look was serious. "In times of crisis, family should be turned to."

"Crisis!"

"Yes," Rezo took a polite sip from his own glass. "I awoke in a cold place. Never had I felt such a chill. Even after I insulted Eris' blood pudding." He chuckled over his witty remark while Amelia felt the bones in her finger's fracturing.

"I had no idea what had happened. I walk through a raging storm, nothing but my staff and the clothes on my back."

"And your magic."

"And my magic, yes."

A beat was skipped, and simultaneously, Amelia and Zelgadiss drank down the rest of their glasses.

"Sometime during the night, I lost consciousness. When I awoke, the kindest people were surrounding me. They were an odd people. Smaller than most, with pointed ears and bright red hats. A small branch of the elf family I discovered. Delightful folk. Good with shoes."

The tall stepped from around the counter and held his foot up to reveal a curly toed, well-made boot. The buckles were silver, and a tiny bell near the laces twinkled pleasantly. Rezo settled back into the kitchen after apparently interpreting their expressions as impressed.

"They told me everything. Everything I must do. My purpose in life."

"To give me my cure, finally?"

"In a way."

Zelgadiss gasped, leaning forward. "Really? So you do know it after all?"

"Don't you see!" There was too much yelling. The neighbors were going to complain at the next homeowners' meeting.

"It all makes sense! My name the 'Red Priest,' my impressive height and posterior. My love and skill with children!"

Zelgadiss cough was neither subtle nor quiet. His face was flat, and Amelia was sure her mouth was as wide as his own.

"What, what are you saying Rezo?"

His sigh was thoughtful, deep, forlorn. "My purpose is to become the next Santa Clause."

Amelia shooed away Lina from the hallway, then took her baby back into her room. The little girl made hardly a fuss as she was set into her cradle. Philip Gourry was more of a problem, and had to be carried crying into his room and before being tucked into his small bed. A bedtime story soothed him quickly enough, and Amelia couldn't help but coo at him as he began snoring. A curl of dark hair fell into his eyes, and the princess brushed it aside. These moments were so dear because they were so rare. Soon, her babies would be all grown up and would have their own adventures while their parents could only worry. Then she went and removed all the knives from the kitchen drawers and hid them in the attic. That wouldn't slow him down for long. But she didn't want the children to see any blood. Already they'd have questions about where their new Great-Grandfather went in the morning. And why their father was planting a new rose bush in the gardens.

His knuckles were white, but otherwise her love hadn't moved an inch. His mouth still remained open, a rectus of confusion and pain. Comfortingly, Amelia brushed his wire hair from his eyes. This normally soothed him in moments of deep discomfort and agony. When he'd needed to pass a kidney stone, this had stopped him from jumping from the tallest tower in Saillune.

"Rezo, surely you don't mean—"

"The jolly overweight man who helps children the world over?" His closed-eye stare was cool. Slim arms went across his chest defensively. "Why, yes, my frame is perhaps not as portly as his, but I've been putting on some weight." Comfortably, he patted his non-impressive stomach. "Besides, this will just make it easier to sneak into people's homes to dispatch presents."

Zelgadiss held her hand for a moment, looking up at her lost as the boy he'd once been so long ago. "Amelia, should I hope he breaks into people's houses? Will that make people realize what an awful man he truly is?"

"No. He'll be giving out presents, honey, that will make people forgive them for their broken windows and latches."

Rezo snorted roughly. "I'm a bit more graceful than that."

"I somehow doubt that most people won't realize a seven-foot tall man breaks into their home every year at Christmas to leave presents."

"I'm Santa Clause, Amelia." He patted her shoulder gently.

"So what?"

"I have powers, my dear. Powers most cannot comprehend."

"Yeah, about that. Do you really not know anything about my cure?"

"Zelgadiss, *_please*_. I am talking about now. *_Now*_, I can do wondrous things."

"Like what?" Amelia refilled her mug. "The sink upstairs is broken, and it would be great if someone could get it to stop dripping."

Rezo sagely rubbed his chin. "Dripping, huh? That might be something I can help with."

"It's the holidays, so repairmen are hard to get this time a year."

"I understand. I have a few connections in some of the Trade Guilds." The tall man's right eye twitched in the chimera's direction. Years later, in the middle of the night, Amelia awoke and realized he'd been trying to wink.

"I think *_I*_ know what someone's getting for Christmas." Zelgadiss head went a little limp on his shoulders as his Grandfather held up a long finger to his lips, indicating to be quiet.

Amelia patted his stony shoulder. "So, what other powers do you have Rezo?"

His chest swelled with pride. "I have, well, I shouldn't be discussing this, but since you're family…Well, I have reindeer."

"Reindeer?"

"Great animals. A bit messy, filthy really, but reasonably well behaved. They eat more than Lina Inverse does. And they can eat anything. I left them in your garden."

"But…my roses!"

"Perhaps tomorrow your children might like a ride?"

Amelia nodded, vowing to herself never to let any of her children anywhere near any of those probably disease ridden animals.

"They are my steeds, my fair steeds. Together, we will comb the planets and give out presents to all the good boys and girls."

"How can you do that anyway?"

"Amelia, please, this is very frustrating. I am Santa Clause, never mind *_how_* I do it. Just know that I will."

"Yes, sir."

"Now, now, we *are* family. No 'sirs' in my presence."

Zelgadiss made a choking noise, his hands flailing about, eyes looking to the heavens. After a moment, he settled down. "So, how do all those toys get made? How do you carry them?"

"The elves make them. I stop in the North Pole, say hello to Grausherra, feed the polar bears, and have dinner with the Abominable Snowman. By then the elves ready everything for my trip. Fix up my sleigh, I did tell you about the sleigh, didn't I? It's very…how do you children put it now-a-days? Kick-ass? The presents are packed up into the sleigh. I have a large sack to carry them in."

"So, it's magic-ed?"

Rezo shook his head and sipped his toddy. "No, just very large."

"Are you insane? Am I insane?"

"This will be my first year however. I am," Rezo coughed and smiled nervously. "I am quite nervous."

"I'm sure everything will go well Rezo. Just have confidence."

His smile became wider and Amelia could see some of Zelgadiss' sweet, charming grin in his face. "Do you think you can stay some of tomorrow? We're having guests, and an extra pair of hands would help in the kitchen."

"Why, Amelia, I would be delighted and honored." And indeed, the tall unruly-haired priest truly looked touched. "Who are these guests?"

"Lina Inverse and Gourry Gabriev. And the first thing they'll do is send you back to hell where you belong, you evil…old man!"

"Zel, come on. It's the holidays."

"So?"

She gestured to Rezo. "He's family. It's a time for forgiveness and peace and trust. Besides, I can't cook such a huge meal alone."

"We can eat out."

"No, no, this is a time for home cooking too. Come on," Amelia nuzzled against him, making him jump and nearly fall off his stool. "Maybe you two can bury the hatchet?"

"Amelia! Have you forgotten what he did to me!?"

"Yes, I know, dear. But he doesn't have a way to cure you. What can be gained from holding this grudge?"

"Personal satisfaction?"

"We have children now Zelgadiss, do you want them to grow up without their Great-Grandfather around?"

"Yes! Gods, yes!"

"Well, I think they should know about him."

"I don't want to give them nightmares, Amelia, and I don't understand why you'd want our children to have them."

"You don't know that!"

"Yes, yes I do."

"Come on, do you want to sent your poor old Grandfather out into the cold?" On cue, Rezo began rubbing his neck and back, complaining of his arthritis.

Zelgadiss sigh was long and hard. Amelia's grateful kiss was the same. "I guess he can stay awhile." Her husband mumbled, rather distracted while trying to shoo Rezo away. The tall man disappeared out the backdoor, and Zelgadiss had never looked been so happy that night.

The first of the guests arrived around noon. Philip was getting cranky from the lack of breakfast, and learned somehow that he could climb the tree to reach even better things to throw at his parents. Zelgadiss hardly heard the door knocking. But as soon as he did, his bowels turned to water and he dropped his three-year old son onto one of the presents.

Luckily, Amelia's fancy new bracelet, cleverly hidden in a small box in a larger box filled with newspaper, was unbroken. And eventually Phil stopped crying and recovered his ability to walk again. Zelgadiss slowly gave a bright red bulb to him, told him to aim for Rezo if he ever left the kitchen, and went to answer the door.

Filia's smile was even brighter than her hair. But not half as bright as Xellos.' They wore matching sweaters. Three small children, all with identical purple-gold hair bustled into the room. Fighting back familiar shudders, Zelgadiss opened the door and allowed the children's parents to enter the living room.

Philip gave a little cry of delight and dropped his glass bulb, rushing to greet his friends. The sight never failed to amuse Zelgadiss. He was normally a moody boy with his parents, but when it came to other parents and children, he was the sweetest child ever to be born. No one really believed it when Zelgadiss and his wife tried to explain how over exuberant Philip Gourry could be. They only saw the beautiful blue eyes and angelic curly black hair.

Xellos' low chuckle made his spine jump up and run from the room. "They're so sweet together." The slim Mazoku leaned against his wife of five years, and both smiled at each other with perfect kindness. Zelgadiss still didn't believe their relationship. The first to admit their feelings. The first to get married. The first to have children. Filia, they'd all been convinced after they'd awoken from their separate momentarily comas after opening the wedding invitation, was possessed. Under a curse.

Even after she'd run towards them on her wedding day, cheeks flushed, her wedding dress white with gold trim and billowing behind her, they could not believe it. Lina hadn't even said anything. She'd simply stared horror-struck at her, holding her arms out and demanding an explanation. Filia had laughed.

Later that same afternoon, Zelgadiss, being held in Amelia's arms, had said that he'd held up well. Yes, he'd fainted and fallen into the organ during the ceremony, and yes, the paintings the artist had taken all contained their shocked, disbelieving face, but none had run out of the temple screaming. That was something to take pride in. Especially at the sight of Xellos, wearing a purple-trimmed white suit and a kind smile on face, putting a ring on Filia's finger.

At this point, Lina hand's rose to her mouth and her words 'we are all dead and this is hell' were muffled. Tears trickled down her face. Gourry had held her other hand and whispered, tears in his own light blue eyes, that he loved her. If there had been a worse time for proclaim their love for a woman, Zelgadiss still did not know of it.

Amelia hadn't said much. Nothing besides saying, shell-shocked, that 'no, no you guys, it's not a spell or curse, this is just Filia and no, Xellos isn't possessed either.' They'd even danced a little while the seemingly, inexplicably, happy couple spun around them. Filia's bright bell laughter and Xellos' own lower laughter sent chills up both their spines. They'd ended up clutching each other, watching the golden dragon and Mazoku, and foxman and ogre dance.

Lina mostly drank. Glass after glass. The look in her eye hadn't changed at all that afternoon. Even as Gourry glided her gracefully around the dance floor. The next day, at breakfast, she'd looked at them and asked slowly if yesterday had really happened. Amelia had nodded gently, and Gourry stole a piece of her bacon and informed her that Filia and Xellos were on their honeymoon. 'Where did they go' Lina whispered. 'Catart Mountain' had been whispered back. Lina wept.

Filia long letter informing her friends that she was carrying Xellos' eggs was as disturbing as it was confusing. Neither asked anymore questions about it though. And they all came, each wearing a slightly dumbfounded expression, to the children's birth. There really were eggs being laid, and even more shocking was that Xellos was there, acting the part of the nervous father. He even was smoking a cigarette and pacing the room frantically. When a female dragon, a dragon midwife came out with the good news, Xellos laughed in relief and passed out cigars.

Their children were hatched out after a year or so, and the sight of them was an awkward one. None of them had known how to hold the children. They just held them close to them and gave the others confused looks. Their dark-bright hair and blue-violet eyes were quite striking. Xellos had cooed at them like a good father and even fed and rocked them when they got fussy and sprouted wings at random moments.

Zelgadiss, guessed that, somehow, they seemed to work. They fought, Gods how they fought, but their children were healthy and still alive, and Amelia kept saying all she sensed from Xellos was really serious. No matter how much Lina shook her, telling her to tell her it was all a lie, Amelia just shook her head and said he was sincere.

It would take years the chimera figured, for him to get used to the couple. But well, if they were happy, he guessed he could live with it. A little holiday cheer was seeping in, and even he could find himself smiling as Philip chased one of Filia and Xellos' offspring around the room.

Polite chatter filled the room ("Isn't that counter lovely, sweetheart?" "Yes, I really enjoy that statue over there, Garbage, wasn't there one in that little antique store we went to a few years ago?" "Hm, Lizard Lips, don't you think we should paint the nursery this color?") and eventually Filia disappeared into the kitchen to help Amelia and Rezo. Xellos was roped into playing with the children, and when he came back inside, he was missing half his sweater and muttering darkly about reindeer.

Zelgadiss arranged presents, hummed Christmas songs, and waited for the rest of the guests to arrive. Lina was due soon with Gourry and their bright, forever hungry twins. When the sorceress caught sight of Rezo, she'd rip his head off and send it flying across the room. He leaned back into his comfy stuffed chair by the fire. Truly, it really was Christmas.

This time, he didn't start so badly when the door was knocked on. Perhaps because it lacked the calmness Rezo and Filia/Xellos' had. This was more erratic, and not soon after, there was yelling from the other side of the heavy wood. It was mostly Lina, and a smaller, lighter pitched voice. Some small baby was crying, and Zelgadiss looked surprised at the unopened door. They'd had another child? The twins were too old to cry in that manner.

"Damn it, no, Zel, stop it."

"Please, come on, Amy, stop crawling on Daddy now."

"Luna! You knock that off right now!"

"Zel, you and Rowdy drop that reindeer dung!"

"My hair!"

"Luna!"

The chimera sighed deeply at the sight. Red and gold and black and bright blue everywhere. There were at least four children running around. And unless Lina had been going easy with her magic, there'd be at least another little Inverse-Gabriev running around soon. Lina turned to face him, her face flushed with anger as she tried to stop one of her monkey-children from crawling up their father by way of his hair. Damn. At least another *_two_* more Inverse-Gabrievs.

"How?"

"How what?"

"How," One of the children, gender indeterminable from the layer of hair and dirt, ran past him. "How did this happen?"

Lina's flush deepened. "You have two kids, right?"

"Yes. *_Two_* children."

"Well, we had more."

"*_Damn*_ Lina."

"I know. I live with them." She pulled a baby off Gourry, handing the squirming thing to Zelgadiss. He inspected it. He believed from the baby pink duck on its shirt that it might be a girl.

"That's Rowdy." Lina patted his red-haired-head.

"Lina, for Gods sake." The baby made a grab for his eyes.

"Isn't he the sweetest thing?" Two children hung from Gourry's arm and he swung them amiably.

"Gourry, how did you accomplish this?"

"Dunno. Luck. Come on, Luna, Amy, let's go inside."

"I don't even think there's room for you all."

"We'll make do. Our house is even smaller."

His dream of seeing Rezo's head flying like one of the children's balls (and indeed, landing through the small hoop he'd set up on the wall for Philip), was slowly dissipating. Too many kids here. Lina handed him another one while she attempted to pick up all the baby bags.

There were four children, right? Every time Zelgadiss tried to count one, they'd either disappear or seemingly wipe or gather more dust on their faces and confuse him. Zel, named after him was the only one he was moderately certain about. Then Lina called him 'Amy' and Zelgadiss gave up.

The sight of all those kids running around made him feel dizzy and claustrophobic, and he escaped to the kitchen, where it seemed actually less camped. Filia was fussing over Xellos' new sweater and Rezo was showing Amelia how to properly spread icing over a cake as the elves had taught him. Zelgadiss squeezed into the nearest bar stool and smiled at his wife.

"You'll never guess what Lina and Gourry did. Actually you may have an idea, but wait till you see the result of what they've been doing."

"Hm? What do you mean?"

"How many children do you think they have?"

"They had more!?"

"Yep."

"But, they already had four!"

"You knew?"

"Yeah, she wrote me a letter about their birth. I tried to tell you, but they'd just opened that new library down the street…"

"Yeah? Well, did you know she'd pregnant again?"

Amelia stared at him. "No way. But, Lina, she didn't even seem to want more than Zel and Amy."

"Perhaps she and Gourry had a cloning accident then? And she gained twenty pounds as an extra result?"

Amelia looked grimly down at the pan she had begun scrubbing. "We should have gone out to eat."

Little Lina ran up, burbling something in her half-understood lunatic language. Zelgadiss picked her up, kissing her brow and felt grateful she was the last child he and Amelia would probably have. Then again, his princess was getting this dreamy look that she'd gotten at the sight of Gourry and Lina's first child.

Rezo crept closer to them. The chimera felt his muscles tighten, and clutched his daughter closer to him. "So, this means more presents, yes?"

Zelgadiss resisted the urge to grab the butcher knife lying innocently on the counter besides his hands. "Yes."

The priest's face darkened. "This is not going according to schedule. This ruins everything."

"Wait, isn't there some time difference in the New World? Shouldn't you be giving presents to children over there right now?"

Filia stopped dabbing a foul smelling clear liquid on one of Xellos' bites. "What?"

"Nothing." Rezo said, stiffly. He leaned forward and whispered in a stage whisper that made Zelgadiss roll his eyes. "They shouldn't know. Let's keep this in the family."

Xellos did a double-take as his wife tried to sew the pieces of his sweater. "Wait, isn't that *_Rezo_*?"

Amelia watched her husband staring at the Mazoku in disbelief before running out at the sound of a tree crashing to the floor. Several high pitched screams were coming from the room, and she herself nearly yelled as Lina moved towards a knife left sitting on the counter. The infant was taken away, and the princess tried not to flinch as Filia and Xellos made baby-noises at Lina.

They're relationship was not any of Amelia's business and they seemed to get on well enough. She was just prejudice against Xellos for all those times he'd tried to kill them. Deep down, he was a nice enough guy. Lina seemed to love his hair anyway, and Amelia yelled 'bigot' over and over in her head when she fought the urge to grab the baby away before Xellos punted her daughter away.

Rezo stomped away, handing a cookie to the baby before sneaking presumably to his sleigh. The unorthodox couple settled down, discussing nonchalant things with each other and their small children. Little Lina was bounced on Filia's knee, and Amelia tried to follow a recipe in her cookbook. Cooking was not her thing really, Zelgadiss was better at it, but from the screams still echoing in the living room, he was needed elsewhere.

For a few minutes, the atmosphere was almost peaceful. Lina was screaming something at Zelgadiss and Rowdy, Gourry was crying, and Amelia could hear Philip throwing a glass bulb at one of the other children. Soon they'd grow up, and surely she'd missed moments like this.

The priest came back, a couple of untidy packages tucked under his arm, and a smile on his face. He plucked Lina away and led the well-behaved children (were they dragons, or dragon/Mazoku? Amelia could never figure it out and thought that asking was too rude) away. The bells on his staff and shoes rang importantly. A long, red, white-fur trimmed cape was draped across his shoulders and dragged on the floor. Filia and Xellos didn't say anything, but Amelia could imagine them saying later in their guest room as they readied for bed that Zel and Amelia's family was weird.

"Come children, gather 'roud."

"*_Rezo_*?!"

"Here, take 'em."

"Gourry!?"

"Rip his head off, Lina!"

"…you know what, take them. I'm getting some eggnog."

"What?"

"Go easy with that stuff, Lina. That's how Luna was born."

"Come here, children, I have a tale of wondrous adventure and whimsy for you all!"

The children gathered around the tall man who sat close to the fire. Amelia looked at Zelgadiss unfocused eyes, seeing him imagining kicking Rezo, knocking him into the crate and watching as he ran throughout the house, aflame. But his good chair would catch too, and who knew if someone might put him out.

"There once was a kind man, a handsome man with a good heart. But one day, he made a mistake and took a wrong turn into the forest. By accident, he stumbled onto a group of bandits attacking what he thought was an innocent young maiden. He had no way of knowing she was truly a demon, a master of destruction who could bring brimstone and hellfire to rain upon the earth!"

Several of the children gasped, and one of them grabbed onto Amelia's boot.

"That would be his doom."

Lina took a large gulp of eggnog, and Amelia hoped she wasn't listening too closely. She seemed to be having an uncomfortable conversation with Xellos that involved car seats that went into wagons for children.

"So, the man being kind, help the demon who was in the form of a small girl. He was a chivalrous man, and the devil knew that she could use this to her advantage. Quickly, she used a spell to call another fellow demon to help her. Now this minion of hers was even worse in some way. He'd turned against his master, a clever, caring man who'd even used his magic to help the devil when he'd been an ugly boy."

This made a few of the kids laugh. Amelia tried not to look at anyone. But she could see Zelgadiss' neck stiffen at the words 'ugly boy.'

"Together, they plotted the demise of these good men, and the corruption of an innocent princess from a powerful kingdom. If they stole the hearts of these beings, they could be all powerful."

It was foolish, but Amelia nearly went 'aww.' Zelgadiss had stolen her heart.

"So, at night during a full moon, they formed a powerful spell, making the kind man who'd save the demon fall under her control. The second one did the same to the princess. And they tricked the kind man and princess into helping them kill the good master."

"A dark day fell over the world. The demons took over the world. Fortunately, they were not entirely strong enough to completely destroy the master. Using his own brand of magic, he saved the world from them by tricking them into drinking poisoned eggnog during the holidays."

Lina spat out a mouthful of the white liquid onto Xellos. Zelgadiss slowly lowered his cup. Gourry eagerly drank another cup, and Amelia was unsure if he wasn't listening to Rezo, or understood him perfectly.

"From then on, the master ruled with a steady, just hand. He married both the kind man and princess, and together they took care of the kingdom. And, even though they were busy, they still managed to travel around in a sleigh every year at Christmas to give presents to good boys and girls."

Amelia took several steps away from Rezo, and watched Lina drag her husband away. Every adult in the room faces' was rather pale. Xellos even took out a handkerchief out and dabbed at his face politely. Filia was saying something to him that made him nod in agreement. They steered clear of the Red Priest.

"All powerful! Gods, I have six kids and an unpaid mortgage on a magic-shop, and I'm all powerful."

"Lina, what happened to 'Lina Inverse, sorceress extraordinaire'?"

"She got stretch marks, Amelia, that's what."

"But, but—"

"No, I'm still great and all. But, through these years, I've learned a little humility. I'm still the best ever born, but I'm getting to understand that I might have limits one day."

"Present time!" Rezo called out cheerfully. Unwilling but long ingrained from childhood, the group moved closer to the tall man. Each one took the present that was given to them dully. Children, bright and dark haired crawled or walked closer to the knocked-over tree with the dull eyes of zombies.

"Now, you can only get one and the rest must be saved until tomorrow."

Too far gone, the kids were already ripping open boxes. When Amelia tried to pull Lina off the presents, her daughter turned around to bite her. The princess gave up and left for the bathroom to wash her new wound out. She fairly flew into the washroom after seeing Rezo following her. Locks did not close fast enough, and horror stories of monsters and murderers came rushing back toward her. All the priest needed was a hook and for her to just be getting out of the shower.

"Amelia, everything okay?" She ran the facet and wondered if she could slip out the window.

"Yes, fine!"

"Coming out soon?"

"Yes, soon!"

"Was it a good Christmas for you?"

"Yes, good Christmas!"

"Do…do you think everyone's happy?"

Pity made her reach for the door. "I'm sure everyone else is Rezo."

"I just want to be a good Santa, you know." Shyly he kicked at a small doll's head with a curled toe. Amelia nodded, walking back to the kitchen. She had to toss everything onto the table and hope to scavenge something for herself.

"It's a lot of pressure. I've never been under so much pressure."

"Even when you were taking care of Zelgadiss?"

He snorted and waved a hand in her direction.

"It's a shame you don't know his cure though." The princess watched her husband trying to pull Lina out of a box. Gourry had to join in. Their children, especially Little Lina, watched in amazement.

"*_Is_* it?" A teasing sound crept into his voice.

"What do you mean?"

"Well…"

Amelia stared at him, nearly dropping a hot platter. "You *knew*?"

"Yes, of course." His eyelid twitched. "I was saving it. It's Christmas, you can't tell people what you're getting them for their presents."

"Gods! Is this what I think it is?!"

"Amelia, Amelia!" Misleadingly slim arms wrapped around her hand and dragged her in a circle around the fallen tree. Sharp glass crunched beneath their feet. Children's small dirty hands reached out to grab them and slow them down. Rezo grabbed her other hand, pulling her around with more strength. Lina slowly gathered up various children that may have mostly been hers and Gourry's. They stopped to grab plates and pans from the kitchen and disappeared into their guest room. Filia and Xellos scooped up the remaining ones and hustled them into anyplace a blanket or cot or crib could be set up. Little bodies and food littered the floor as Amelia's knees scraped against pine boughs and glass. Green and red lights blossomed and spun before her eyes.

Later that night, as she watched her husband packing bags and looking over maps, she applied a healing spell to her limbs. "Zelgadiss, are you sure we should set out so soon?"

"Yes, immediately. We could leave tonight, but I'm afraid Lina and Gourry would stay here and take it over."

"To be fair, they probably need the space more than us."

"Don't tell them that."

"Of course not. Zel, are you okay?"

The chimera turned away from the dresser for a moment. His smile was slow and boyish. "Yes. I honestly think this was the best Christmas we've ever had."


	5. Switcheroo

Done for the Amelia/Zel gender switch contest at Amelia Zelgadss livejournal community.

* * *

"Damn it. " Disgruntled, Lina could only shake her fist in mindless fury. "Even _his_ are bigger than mine!"

"Miss Lina." Amelia sighed into her cup of tea. Her. Regardless of what was on the outside, she was still female. Her gestures were still the same, flat chest and Adam's apple and all. That was somehow comforting.

"That's not the important thing!" Zelgadiss flinched as the new weight on his chest…bounced around. Then he jumped backwards as Amelia's tea went flying out of her nose and was forced to shove himself into a wall to avoid Lina throwing a kettle at him.

"Show off."

Calmly, Gourry watched and added more lemon to his cup.

"A parakeet has a bigger chest than Lina's, really." But his words were spoken into his tea and only Zelgadiss heard them. The aforementioned sorceress was busy trying to get Amelia to make a detailed map.

"It's possible, you know, that one of the springs could help."

"I suppose so, Miss Lina. But my sister always said those things never worked. She even started a petition to stop unfair spring owners from lying about their spas." She rang more water from her cloak. White wet fabric clung to her chest, and Zelgadiss felt part of him mourning the situation they were in, if only for the lost opportunity.

"I wonder how she'd feel about this?" A hand, still small but whose knuckles were now liberally covered with small black hairs, cupped her chin in thought. Now, now, Zelgadiss could see some of her family's resemblance in more than simply coloring. Her jaw was firmer, shoulders squarer, face less roundly featured.

Zelgadiss feared what he looked like. He was still a chimera, and that was enough. Like a vampire, he'd hissed and smashed away a mirror that had rested in the foyer of the inn. Also, the smell of garlic was making him feel rather nauseous, but he was sure that meant little…but yes he still had his fangs, and yeah, Amelia's neck looked somewhat tempting, but…

He was just being paranoid.

"What did you do to piss Xellos off?"

Amelia's startled eyes flew to his, and Zelgadiss reached for his lukewarm tea cup.

"Nothing." They echoed.

His kidneys still ached.

Amelia's eyes met his, a little narrower than before. They glowed with fanatic energy. "Zelgadiss, I vow to you on my birthright that we will have our revenge and make Mister Xellos suffer."

She shoved her chair aside and she jumped up and her cloak flapped wetly behind her as she strutted to the kitchens.

"We're going to need your biggest pot!"

* * *

"It's here, Mister Zelgadiss!" He nodded, obliging her. Zelgadiss had long since lost hope. Not of finding his cure, not that this spring couldn't cure him, but that they'd ever be able to find it. Their only lead: Amelia's sister's diary.

If Zelgadiss ever met the woman, first he'd slap her, then thank her, then give her penmanship lessons.

"I'm sure! With our hearts full of pure justice, everything will be fine." He nodded, tuning out and only making the barest attempt to look interested. She was squinting in the dim gloom. As soon as they returned, he wanted only to just lie on his feather mattress. Not sleep, just lay there and feel all his muscles relax.

"Nothing can stop us!"

"Hm."

"Is this a 's'?"

"Sure."

"Surely the gods are smiling on us."

"Yes."

"'Stop'? 'Shore'"

"Maybe."

"Thankfully my father found this under my sister's bed."

"Yeah."

"'Sally'?"

"Next week I think."

"I hope she never finds out we took it."

"Around five or so."

"Justice is awesome, isn't it Mister Zelgadiss?"

"Mm-hm."

"You're coming back to Saillune this time, right?"

"I think she's eating."

"'Something'?"

"We'll just give you a nice bath and everything will be okay. Maybe we can add bubbles? I brought a brush."

"That sounds great, Amelia."

"Can I comb through your silvery locks?"

"Whatever you want."

"Add a ribbon or two?"

"Mm, yeah."

Amelia was turning around to face him. Something beautiful and maidenly was blossoming on her face. Zelgadiss suddenly wished he'd paid a little more attention. A ribbon cutting ceremony she wanted him to attend with her father and then go break into someone's house to look under their bed for their sister?

Her hands clapped. "A know just the right color. It'll match your eyes exactly."

"What?"

But the princess was turning around, cheeks and eyes blazing in some ill-victory and when she twisted her ankle from the motion, Zelgadiss found he could still role his eyes. Shock was not enough to dissuade him from that.

Her knee cracked on stone. Then her head.

Dawn was still hours away, yet here it was rising in Zelgadiss' heart. "We found it!"

Pale fingers stroked the heavy black stone. Perfectly curved, her hands traced the top and skimmed the nitre blooming along the rock. "I think you might be right." She muttered, muffled.

"The bubble bath solution should be in one of my pockets."

Zelgadiss summoned up all of his dignity and sense and ignored that. Carefully, he eyed the water that rested in its natural bathtub. It was nearly as dark as the rock it rested in, and the light gave it a silver glow along the surface. Despite Amelia, who hit her head on the stone again, it did not tremble or quake and not a drop spilled. The fact that it was much, much less than even a meter off the ground did not shake his confidence. Then he glanced up.

Carved from bone and even more pallid than Amelia's neck, even more sallow than Zelgadiss' stomach and legs were when he'd been human, it rested heavily above them. He had not seen it until they were resting below it, and he felt a chill. Shallow cuts were carved into it, and the chimera wondered what beast could have possibly supplied these bones. There were no other nicks to scar the perfect unbroken whiteness. Seamless and terrible.

Amelia was still clutching her dark head. It looked particularly inky in the little light. Her look directed at the thing was fearless and daring and rather blank. "Hey, it looks like a ladder."

"Maybe you dive in? That sounds like fun." Delight drained from her voice. "Don't hit your head on anything though. And don't get your hair stuck in a drain."

Zelgadiss summoned more self-control from the deep recesses of his soul. He did not ask. He climbed instead.

Neither saw the shadow that crept from a corner and neither saw it's sane-less grin.

Amelia called to him below. Breezes, coming from nowhere and everywhere, chilled him down do his center. She was saying encouragements, chanting out what tricks he should do as he fell down into the pool. Even though he knew she would never mock him, there was something scornful. Something from his past caught his legs and tripped him up. Rezo had been the first to deride and ridicule him at the public pools, before even the bullies were tugging down the swim shorts of the smaller boys in the locker rooms. 'For his confidence' Rezo would say. 'To make a man out of him.' Ironic. Shivering, Zelgadiss continued.

"After you're done, can I have a turn? You know, if this doesn't go horribly awry. Say, maybe we should test this out before you dive in—oh and now you're taking off your clothes, never mind." She mumbled a few more things he could not hear.

"You know, at the pool in Saillune there's usually a guard around to make sure no one drowns. He sits on a latter. Maybe I should come up there with you?"

"Sure." His tunic slithered to rest along the board.

"Maybe I should come up there with you?"

"What?"

But she remained silent and crept up the 'ladder' to meet him. Despite what it was made from, how much he weighed and how easily it had seemed to support him before, it began to tremble like Lina that time Gourry had swiped her shrimp cocktail. It creaked like Gourry when Lina had gotten her revenge. The white strip before appeared to have shrunk down to two inches. Carefully, he began pulling off his boots.

Amelia helped, somewhat. A little too much, really. She was very kind when removing his socks. But ever enthusiastic at the wrong time. He had to wrestle with her briefly to get her to stop from removing his pants. Throughout the entire event, the ladder quivered and shook.

Together, as friends, briefly enemies, and wrestling partners, they stood. Amelia gave a small shudder and wrapped her arms around her chest.

"It's so cold."

Later, while he dragged her squirming out of the female bath room full of shrieking woman, Amelia had told him that she swore she heard a voice whisper 'And that's how revenge is best served.' Then she began whining about going to the bathroom and then she asked if he could help her figure out how this weird foreign stuff worked and then Zelgadiss eventually went upstairs to cry himself to sleep.

He would never speak to her or anyone else those twenty horrible minutes in the bathroom, ignoring stares and listening to Amelia exclamations that this was the dirtiest bathroom in the world and that this was actually kind of cool once you got used to it and she could spell her initials in the filth that lined the bowl. He only withstood it until she hit 'W' and then his head hit the door and the latch broke and he fell forward into the stall with Amelia. The door closed and somehow the latch caught and trapped them inside. Amelia had been right; this was truly a disgusting restroom. Eventually, Gourry discovered them, and he and Zelgadiss helped Amelia avoid catching herself in her zipper.

The innkeeper asked them never to return from all the complaints he was getting.

He would never speak of that again.

To the Mazoku's defense, as much as Zelgadiss was chagrined to even say, they had not actually seen him. But they knew that sound of him entering this plane, the smell of dried flowers and cheap wine that drifted from what passed as his pores, and both found purple stripper sparkles on their cloaks the next morning. And one did not forget the sound a staff made when as he slid through the air and hit human flesh. They'd both attended his birthday party; they both remembered the piñata and the after-party.

But who else could it be? Only Xellos, only Xellos. After all, didn't he have a reason to humiliate them and get his revenge?

Together, as friends, as victims, as two-soon-to-be-plotters, they flew through the air. Amelia, bless her, tried a spell, but she hit Zelgadiss' already aching back and they landed together in the black water.

Zelgadiss had tacked Gaav's sword in the spine. This alone was enough to prepare him for back pain. Yet, that did not ease the blow; he just had something to compare the experience to. Amelia was also in his arms, again. But, this time her boot struck him over and over in the head. And this time her head was resting somewhere down by his knees.

The light that illumined the tiny cavern blinded them. Seeing only white, Zelgadiss reached forward. Amelia leaned forward. His hands missed her shoulders by a few inches. Neither knew which was more shocking: him touching her chest, or him touching her lack of chest. He did not understand what he was touching and neither did she.

Eventually, she resurfaced and rolled over and turned around and her head went back towards where it was supposed to go. Generally. Very generally.

Water splashed everywhere. Something very bad crept down into his heart and soul. And it was knowledge.

"That's completely unjust! We never meant to walk in on you!"

"There's no shame to enjoying erotic materials in the privacy of your room. Especially golden dragon erotica. Although, I don't quite understand what exactly they were doing…"

"You should have locked the door!"

"We could have drowned!"

"Where are my breasts?"

Zelgadiss' head hit the rim of the pool and he felt his hair catching in a small crack in the stone. His chest was unaccountably heavy. Not like Amelia's boot had hit them, nothing that heavy, but enough to make something go 'oh no' in his head. Something was missing, something while perhaps not as consciously necessary as his magic or his wits as this was rarely used, but something was very wrong. He did not look down. He did not dare.

Normally, he would never have done such a thing. While perhaps not a gentleman, Zelgadiss still had manners and would never consider doing such a thing in front of a female companion, yet alone a princess, let alone Amelia. But she was pulling off her shirt revealing (to his relief, a lukewarm puddle, and vast, vast disappointment, a desert of bitterness) a heart stopping length of white skin that was flatter than flat. Even flatter than Lina's.

At the same moment, as though destined from birth, both reached down and grabbed at their crotches. Both of their cries were of agony. Amelia, because of the object now there, and Zelgadiss because of the lack of object.

After ten minutes, they were able to regroup. No amount of crying or weeping or begging or groping would bring back what should be there. Shyly, with a bit of her old self, Amelia handed him her soaked tunic. What may have been simple kindness not long ago was now a show of chivalry. He never felt more vulnerable then holding the wet fabric to his chest. Yes, this was definitely a day to remember old taunts.

They gathered his clothing up. Amelia said encouragements that might have meant more if she didn't pause every few seconds to let out a sob. Her hand hardly left her brand new bulge and she kept yanking at it and saying things under her breath. Zelgadiss did not want to know what she was saying.

Putting on clothes was hard enough. Where before they'd fit well, they now were either too tight or too loose. Zelgadiss mentally patted himself on the back for his choose in underwear, however. Amelia should have chosen something similar because apparently things were too tight and then Zelgadiss needed to lie down for a few moments while she re-dressed more comfortably.

They left, still in shock.

"Should we, I don't know, look for another spring?" Her sister's diary was a soggy mess, but Amelia did not seem to notice. In the dying light, her face look much the same as it did before. Not at all as bad as he'd feared.

"Let's go back to the inn. Maybe, maybe, maybe, Lina might know something…"

"Oh gods, Lina—How she will mock and judge!"

"It won't be so bad—Gracia's diary! How she will mock and judge!"

Lina did indeed make as many japes as they'd expected. And she did not have any way to help them. And the letter Amelia received a month later after informing her sister of her diary's demise was very unpleasant.

* * *

In dry clothes, things were a little better. Not much, but some. 'Everything was a little worse in wet soggy underwear' Rezo had once said, and Zelgadiss saw that it was true.

Amelia had marched back from the kitchens only to drag him off his comfortable bed to go back to the caves. Perhaps the walk to there in the first place had exhausted him, or maybe it was the walk back? Their jump hadn't helped, and neither was going through a painful transformation and having to help Amelia in the—No, we shall not discuss that again.

This time, the pool seemed to be waiting for them. And this time the two travelers were not inclined toward awe or respect or fun or fear. They went in and kicked the pool and ladders' asses, if that were possible. Amelia did give the white bones an unfriendly kick. But mostly it was less of a physical thing and more mental. But they did mentally kick their asses. Magically, the shallow pool of water had refilled itself. The two dunked their hands, their faces, then each other's hands and faces but to no effect.

This only hardened their resolve. Together, as friends, allies and splash-buddies, they filled the pot with enchanted water. Then they returned to the dark inn and waited.

Somewhere, an innkeeper cowered and a cook screamed and Xellos looked up from his pressed wildflowers. He cocked his head, listening. He took a sip from the cutthroat jug of wine. Nothing there, just him spooked out a little. He refilled the potpourri bowls. He burned incenses and rubbed Zelas' feet. In just three hours he had another shift down a Dolphin's dance club, and this always helped relax him before the show.

Some things that happened the next day:

Zelgadiss studied the library, going through books, his chimera cure momentarily left in the dust as he searched for a way for his old male body. When he left for lunch, he was grabbed and hog tied and Lina took him for Girl's Night Out.

Amelia wrote a hesitant letter to both her father and sister. And then she learned to shave her face and to hate aftershave and the spot under her nose.

Lina laughed and laughed and then cried when she saw Zelgadiss trying on bras as they went shopping. Then she laughed again when he got a free drink at Happy Hour because women drank free. Then she blew the bar up after they asked her to pay.

Gourry was given duty to take care of Amelia. He gave her the sharpened razor, and the aftershave and some vague instructions. Later he had to go to healer and get his stomach pumped after Amelia had grabbed him and forced him to eat the bottle of cologne. Already powerful, and now juiced on testosterone, pain, and stained pieces of shredded toilet paper applied to her face, she was easily able to hold him. On the way out to find Zelgadiss and Lina, she even slapped a waiter's behind.

But Xellos did return. Had it been any other Mazoku, he would have felt such tension and known never to enter such a place. It was Xellos however, and since he knew the gang and understand that more or less it was always this way, he went in skipping and bringing with him a burst of sparkles.

He paused in the doorway, and if he had just another zero point seven seconds he could have made it away. Alas, he did not. Xellos did not dodge the pot of water. His ridiculous purple hair clung to his wet pale cheeks. The front of his shirt had two new bulges in front.

Lina's cry was even more furious than it had been before. "Even he has bigger ones!"


	6. Birthday

Prequel to the Christmas story. Beware of the darkness ahead, deeper a pit than Lina's stomach.

* * *

"Zelgadiss." Was the first sound he heard of the morning, a hiss and nothing was more forboding. It hung in the air before his dazzled pained eyes. This was what it felt like when Rezo first opened his eyes, but groggier. And in a bed with an ugly statue resting just inches from your face and then you could see the tacky wallpaper that needed to be replaced and you could feel the cracked pavement outside resting on your back and the lawn needed tending biting your knees.

As usual, he awoke with the knowledge of where he was, who he was and who lay besides him, and the slightly emasculating reminder that he'd not bought this house. A kind gift from Christopher, but it had tasted of charity the first time they'd been handed the key, and still did.

Its counters white marble, the starcase rich with carvings and only the finest and newest indoor plumbing, the rooms as big as they were filled with furniture and the ceiling high: this was their house. That he could never have afforded this house or anything approching its quality chafed and always would. Perhaps that was why he let it run near to ruin before finally fixing the pipes and moving the grass? That Amelia felt somewhat similar made him always love her a little bit more every morning.

He did his best not to think of the date or what it meant.

Fifteen seconds it took for the second sound to fill the air. Her hiss had only been the horn that warned you of the incoming invaders.

What happened next could determine his entire day.

Five seconds of hundling under the sheets, his wife's body stiff as his. A leg brushed his, not a sign that he might have sex that morning, but a gentle push. Somehow, by nudging his closer to the door, she was supersticiously convinced he would be picked.

Five more seconds and Zelgadiss wondered if perhaps neither would be chosen. Just because it had never happened before didn't mean it wouldn't happen today. Their pajamas grew damp with sweat.

Another five and their muscles were carved from wood and stone and his wife was digging into the mattress and whispering prayers as her back arched and she kicked him further. Alas, it wasn't the signal anymore than the last nudge had been. Pillows lost feathers and then his hand went to scrape shreds of wallpaper off the wall. Their ugly vines mocked him and burned under his fingernails.

When no one was called for sacrifice, both rose up and rested their back on the headboard. There was no time to react further.

"Da-a-a-a-ddy!"

Zelgadiss slid off the hunk of solid wood until his head hit the floor and his upper body hung off their bed. Thich fabrics tangled in his hair. Cackling, the mother of his child, the woman who owned his soul and heart and several physical appendages (she'd won his left arm in a poker game, and won other limbs in less wholesome ways), crowed something about victory and fell off her own side of the bed. The thump only made their son scream louder.

Today was supposed to be a good day, too.

_His special day._

* * *

"Damn you, Gourry Gabriev!"

"I swear, I'd divorce you if I thought they'd reward me the store and I wouldn't have to share the profits with you."

"But, you still don't share the profits with me, even now."

"That's the point."

"What?"

"I can't divorce you, then I'd have to pay you money to take care of the kids."

"So, which one of use gets which kid?"

"Eh, you can have them for the weekdays."

"That's not fair." He frowned ponderously, the wrinkles that formed on his forehead the most gorgeous thing she'd ever seen. They wore the same clothes they always had, as though they were still ready to leave for the open road any time now. Nothing about them had changed aside from having albeit more jelly and being more frayed. "We have to share them."

"Mommy, can I has some more mink?"

"It's milk, sweety." Lina obligied her daughter and filled her small red bowl to the brim with milk. Dancing dragons graced the outside and inside only liquid resided since she refused to do more from drink from her bowls. The sorceress no longer thought much of her children's odd habits, and with missing a beat handed her son another spoon after he dropped his. Normally he ate his frozen pease with his hands, and Gourry considered the use of utensils a step in the right direction. His small shirt was already growing too small, and the dragon, one of the same hated dragons from the loathed puppet theater that they had to go to every Thursday was on Amy's cup, was covered in a thick layer of dirt.

She wished she had a hangover, a headache and sickness so she could glare into the sun's bleary light. Something to give her a reason to grit her teeth and feel that old burst of bitter energy.

Neither could recall what had started this argument, but neither thought it mattered.

"It's _mink_!" She was barely able to dodge the fork.

"Yes, its 'mink' if you want it to be, Amy."

"I think you'd get more time with the children, Lina."

"Remember the Zephilia case I told you about last week? She got to escape."

"Zephelia isn't here, Lina." Gourry waved his fork of bacon around and she did not hesitate to bite at it. Amy, traitor, defended her father by leaning forward and biting Lina's arm, to distract her.

"But close enough. It sets a precident."

"I just found a buggy!" Pleased, their only son held up what might have been a beedle. His parents watched him put it back in his hair before turning back to their discussion.

"I'd be able to escape. Think of all those dead-beat dads near Emekia." Gourry took a deep breathe. "I could be one of them." He looked even more attractive when he daydreamed.

"I think I can fly, Mommy."

"No way. The courts would track you down. You know how Saillune is."

"Watch me."

"I could make it. I know people, Lina."

"You can barely sign your name on the mortgage payments. You think _you're _going to flee a kingdom sucessfully?"

"The buggy's name is Harry but then he tasted good and I ate him."

"I'll grow a mustache."

Amy ended the discussion right before Lina could argue he looked _horrible _with facial hair by tossing her bowl onto the fan hanging overhead. That alone was usually not enough, but she'd thrown it hard enough to loosen some of the food already resting on the ceiling. Lina did not even flinch as half a pot roast and an entire chicken covered in what might be peanut butter hit the table.

"Yeah, I suppose it's time to go. You know how long it takes to get to Zel and Amelia's house."

Gourry pulled a quarter of a pair of pants off the table and helped Zel into them. Lina half-heartedly made an effort with the dishes while Amy, helpfully, tossed the chicken on top of the icebox. Something, maybepossibly a rat, scurried away and they all watched Zel chase it around for awhile. Then they found what might have once been a shirt to wrap Amy in, and they were off.

The front door no long locked, and they'd long since stopped trying to lock it. Presents, wrapped just enough in toilet paper, newspapers and candy wrappers to be described in a way as wrapped, were gathered. They'd left them on the door stop so not to mess them up further. Lina was not surprised to find them still there.

Behind them, she heard the pipes groaning. She did not guess what might have been the cause. Zel dug through the dirt, and Gourry broke through glass and parchment to sneak back inside the house and make a couple of sandwhiches. Lina rolled her eyes as he carefully cleaned up the shards, and gave Zel a rock to throw at him. She'd broken the window originally and if it wasn't for Gourry's meddling, the entire thing could have been left open for easier access.

Empty houses surrounded their own home like bricks around an well's hole, and she could only shake her head. This place was rolling so downhill. When they'd moved in the place had been full of seemingly good neighbors and was a safe place. Well, it was still a safe place, but eveyone had dissapeared overnight. She'd have to talk to Phil about that.

Together, the parents swung Zel over a giant hole they'd created the day he'd discover fireworks. She lapsed into daydreams and occasionaly helped pull Amy off Gourry.

Perhaps _she'd_ grow a mustache…?

* * *

Filia took a deep breathe of air, smelling breakfast cooking, tea boiling in its pot, and fresh paint that signified Xellos had finished with the upstairs closet. When she turned her head to the right, she could see the blue clear sky, bright rising sun, the fresh white clouds, and the green grass that spread before the house, in every direction she knew. Downstairs, she could hear Xellos talking in reassuring tones to their chattering young. Was that the new blueberry tea he'd bought her last week, the one he said matched her eyes? Today was to be a fine day.

Her dressing gown pulled on and tightly closed, the golden dragon went downstairs. The stairs creaked on the sixth step, and she reminded herself to get that fixed. It was awful coming to eat breakfast and to have to hear that every morning. What a way to ruin a perfectly good start of the day.

Xellos alternated between staring at the pancakes with mind-numbing intensity and looking over the children. Xagitarious' shirt had a hole in the back, a small one, but unseemly all the same. When she said good-morning and gave him the usual kiss, him making the usual crack over her 'morning breathe' and she responding by gently kicking him, he barely looked at her. Filia felt no anger though. He'd just failed another cooking class, and this had made him quite insecure. Even if he burned these pancake, Filia swore to compliment them all the same.

She looked over the children, running combs through their hair and reminding them of what they were doing today. Exciting, they began to clap and Xellos led them through a rousing bout of the 'Alphebet Song,' while he flipped pancakes with vigor. Filia carefully poured just enough sirup to give the wheat-pancakes a sweet flavor when he was done, and had moved onto eggs.

Undercooking, but still not terrible, the four plowed through their food and applauded Xellos while he bowed. His smoking jacket looked particularly fine today, and Filia told him so while the children agreed. Together they cut their children's food into smaller pieces and discussed what way to Amelia and Zel's home was quicker.

By the time she'd gone back upstairs to dress, the kids were reading the books their favorite teacher and the Learning Center had recommended. Xellos was checking the presents and adding far too many bows to them. But that was him, and their friend's surely wouldn't be upset by an eccentric wrapped gift or two.

Hats were tugged on, jacked slung over shoulders, and Xellos decided to annoy her by skipping down the path. Only the will to save some face kept her from lashing out at him as he skipped two miles, that and she didn't want the children to see them arguing. All the books and magazines she'd read said to avoid fighting in front of kids, and while Xellos mocked her by calling her 'Super-Neuroic-Mom,' not once did they ever have a serious disagreement in front of their babies.

When they entered the street Amelia and Zel's house rested on, they all began to skip and hold hands, not caring about the scene they made.

* * *

Zelgadiss heaved another load of laundry into the heavy tub outside and dumped more soap inside. He did not look at the contests or what stained the fabric of his son's clothes and bed dressing. Gourry was wailing and Amelia was crying, begging him to be a good boy just this once, please, damn you, be good…and Zelgadiss figured he should stay out here with the feces covered blankets since it was safer.

Out here, the grass could reach your shoulders. You could go further than five yards in, but why would you? Once they'd hired a caretaker for the backyard, and he'd gone missing. Zelgadiss was fairly sure he'd just left after seeing the state of disrepair, but Amelia swore she heard someone yelling the night he'd gone missing.

It would be three years later, but they'd discover his hat laying next to a mysterious (and non-human) vertibrae and could finally offer some closure to those who still wondered. The next time they hired help, they'd make sure they did not have any family.

He closed his eyes, and tried not to breathe in gnats. The tub needed more soap. Next time he'd be quicker to get to Gourry's room. Amelia was still yelling.

They were not like other couples. For one, they did not take turns caring for the baby. He would choose who cared for him. This was not because they wanted his to quickly make up his own mind for when atop his dark head rested a crown. This was because he would have it no other way.

Nor would he allow others besides his parents to care for him. The first time they'd left him with Gourry and Lina, the two travelers had burst into the Council's wide, benched seated room, carrying the boy and screaming nearly harder than him. None of the nannies, nurses, priests, servants, sorceresses, sorcerers, relatives, friends and even random strangers would take him.

Even Phil, who'd cried when he heard the news Amelia was pregnant, who carried his daughter around for nine months, who was there for every test, and every kick of the baby, and who was even more emotional than Amelia when the time had finally come, could truly take care of the baby. Occasionally, Philip Gourry would tolerate his presence. Other times, Phil would watch his grandson under the presence of magic-users while a kindly priest or priestess that worked that day healed his bite marks. Sylphiel in particular was used to seeing the two of them.

Another thing setting them apart was their lack of choice in the matter. They had to have a child, or at least Amelia had to bear one. This was not a problem emotionally or psyologically. Both had wanted a few children to call their own, to teach, to watch grow up. Physically however, Zelgadiss was not naturally able to have a child. Thus Gourry Philip had been brought forth through blood, tears, and so many potions and spells Zelgadiss had expected the boy to be born with a hexagram on his butt and a cork in his mouth.

The birth itself had not gone easy either. Getting him in was hard enough, but then their first-born decided he didn't want to leave his mother. Nothing they could do would help, and eventually Gourry had to be yanked out in a process that took so long Amelia nearly reached in and grabbed him herself. When he'd been born, he'd weighed over nine pounds and did not look like a newborn except for the afterbirth. One of the nurses called him a moose, and Zelgadiss corrected her, saying he was a _bull _moose. He had more than a full-head of hair; the boy actually needed a haircut so you could see his nose.

Holding his child in his arms had made everything worth it, even when he'd taken an aphrodiasiac and they'd been caught by half the Palace in a closet. Even the milky-sweet smell of his boy had brought tears to the chimera's eyes and he'd collapsed in the room when he opened his eyes and looked at his father for the first time. Zelgadiss had to drag himself over to Amelia's bed and let her see her child.

Her words:

"Hey baby."

"You're so big."

"Hey I think he has you-"

Then she'd fallen unconscious for two days.

She had been lucky. Amelia had seen their sweet son, then got to take a long nap before being forced to live with the demon-monkey that had inhabited their baby's body. Her eyes had closed, then the baby had freaked out and Zelgadiss swore tried to kick him in the face. He'd missed and only gotten the jaw, but it had been a close thing.

His wife and his child's reunion was a glorious thing. Beauty of a mother and child besides, someone else was there to hold the boy and then Zelgadiss was able to sleep for the first time in four days. He awoke to Amelia screaming and saying that the baby had kicked her in the forehead. Two days later the bruise was healed. The princess did not attempt to breast feed him, and no one argued the point with her.

Things Zelgadiss learned to hate (in no particular order):

Diapers

Clothes

Food

Diapers

Dog and human poo

Crying

Screaming

Babies

No sooner had they'd decided on his name than Lina and Gourry had blown into town. They'd heard the news and brought congradulations and half a cake that Gourry Philip promptly crawled into. The two travelers laughed and laughed and then bemoaned the loss of cake while Zelgadiss and Amelia laughed hollowly and slowly their hands crept up to latch onto each other.

It took a week, but eventually even Gourry stopped arguing that he was just a normal baby. No one said he was evil, especially Lina and Gourry, but they didn't know him like his parent's did. Lina _did _lose hundreds of gold pieces worth of rare artifacts after the boy ate and refused to retrieve them. Zelgadiss personally blamed all the magic and potions they'd used; surely, surely this was the reason he was like this. Amelia blaimed everything and no one and called herself a bad mother and then went to pull Gourry off the drapes.

In time, perhaps, they'd understand their son, and get him to behave. He breathed in more gnats, and went inside. Amelia hugged him closely as he came through the doorway of his room, and if one thing their son had brought them was the gift of the sensation that it was them against the world. Quite romantic in a way, and added extra spice to things. 'He's asleep but could be up any minute, we could take a nap right now. Just us, baby.' 'We'll try sending him to that new place that just opened up. Surely we'll get an hour alone.'

She wept slowly into his shirt, while he stroked her hair. Philip was standing in his crip, a diaper and a stuffed tiger the only thing providing modesty. Then he began to jump up and down and Amelia went downstairs to make her much-needed coffee. Without those beans, his princess would have lost her mind months ago.

Blue eyes, even more feriocious than the stuffed tiger (or for that matter, a real one), met his awed ones. They were not without intelligence, without cunning, and this frightened Zelgadiss. One day, this small child would begin to walk and run and burn whatever was in his path. Gods forbid, he'd even be an _adult_. The baby hit the tiger against the bars, slowly, like a native tribes in the Outer World did just before a cannibal feast broke out.

His face was red, and Zelgadiss moved forward, driven by the beat.

Glee crept into his son's face, a beautiful thing if you were insane. His hair was a curly mess that no one dared anymore to comb. Then his boy did a miracle. A sweet one that Zelgadiss could no further dissabey than fish could stand up and say 'no more of this water crap,' salmon arguably excluded. He held pudgy tiny adorable fists up, and then opened them and manipulated small fingers in his father's direction.

The chimera had heard of such things. Read about them in novels and parenting books. He'd once seen Amy do this for Gourry, and all of Filia's and Xellos' children do this for them. But never experienced this before.

His son wanted a hug.

The warmth spread throughout his body as the boy's head touched his chest and his heart broke into more pieces than the time Amelia had casually laid her head on his arm when they'd spent a night in a library, before they'd gotten married, before their first kiss, when they'd been so young and stupid.

There was nothing more fragile than his boy, even though he'd seen his son literally crawling on a ceiling and then _dropping_ from the ceiling, and decided to not go back to Lina and Gourry's home. He had a glow to him, one that Zelgadiss hadn't been able to appreciate in so long. Rosy cheeks, perfect unblemished skin and under the soap and shampoo from his bath, he could still smell that milky-odor of the little baby he'd once held. The curl of his hair held the charm it used to possess, and for the first time, Zelgadiss saw that Gourry Philip had _his_ eyes, not Amelia's.

Delight all over the little face. Then ecstasy. Then orange vomit flowing from the Cupid's pink bow mouth and splashing onto his father's old beige shirt. His favorite one, the one that Amelia had died on and he'd died in, the one that they'd laid down on her father's desk as a blanket the first time they'd made love. Gourry had apparently eating oranges or maybe nectarines recently. There was a knocking from a hundred thousand years in the future where eveything was better.

And Zelgadiss could only clutch his first-born son, his seed and blood, his heir, the child of his wife, the next prince of Saillune, who had his eyes, is his arms, and smell the vomit drying on his clothes.

It was his twenty-ninth birthday.

Someone was at the front door.


	7. Thanks Giving

Soon after the finally layer of paint went on the walls, and the ugly walnut paneling came down, and she thought that maybe soon, (this decade) Val's egg might hatch, Filia decided it was time to admit to the neighborhood that she did indeed know the bandit killer. As well as to let her friends understand her living situation.

Hopefully, if Amelia arrived in a fully decked carriage there wouldn't be a torch wielding mob. Hopefully, if Amelia arrived with a whole segment of guards there wouldn't be a torch wielding mob.

Imagining the scenario, the golden dragon sighed at Xellos. He sat across from her at the breakfast table, neatly sipping from his daily cup of tea. Not once had he missed it, although he sometimes came to her home weary or still bearing unnerving, bloodless wounds, or with the person he was fighting, appearing locked with them in mortal combat in her kitchen. It had taken days to get the blood out of the walls, and immediately after, he brought a 'guest' that set fire to the entire building.

This was the seventh store and home she'd bought, and while not being superstitious, Filia thought this might be the lucky one. That, and perhaps she was tired of looking at moving boxes.

"I think it's time."

His neat and purple brows lowered. "Are you sure? Not that I wouldn't enjoy seeing you being chased by pitchfork wielding farmers, but you just moved here."

"That's alright," Filia sipped at her tea, and added another sugar cube. "You can just buy me my next house, and help me move."

And then she made Xellos go shopping.

The teak table was surrounded by matching chairs, and the dragon polished her finest silverware before hiding it in the basement along with the good dishes. Plain plates were arranged as Filia worked out the seating order. "Should Gourry go by Zelgadiss, or by Amelia?"

"Just make sure to keep Amelia away from me."

The menu was planned, and the ingredients bought and waiting in the icebox for the day to arrive. Filia bought the best she could, and made sure Xellos stayed out of the kitchen. "Should the mousse by served, or the pudding for dessert?"

"You know, I could just fix something up…"

"No, Xellos."

Outfits were arranged, tailored, and ironed. The blonde woman found some stain proof things that she thought would look nice. Xellos found a few great pieces for the evening, for both of them, and for Val's egg.

"How about this?"

"No, I'm not wearing a watching outfit with you Xellos. And get that thing off Val."

All this before the invitations were sent out.

No one except Amelia RSVP-ed, to Filia's great if not entirely rational rage, ("How do I know how much to cook? "It's Lina and Gourry, just make a lot of it and make sure it isn't completely burnt. They'll eat it. It's free, after all."), but when the night rolled around, the golden dragon was up at five in the morning. She awoke Xellos as well, dragging him with her. Blurrily, he was forced to watch the sunrise as he cleaned a window, and it was a terrible thing to witness.

"They're late!"

Xellos looked up from the floor he was scrubbing. The old rag he wore on his head like a handkerchief fell into his eyes. "They still have three hours."

"We'll need that long to catch up before we eat."

The purple-haired man dropped the brush into a bucket of water clean enough to drink from. "Let me just fill you in on what they'd been doing:

"Lina killed some more bandits and threw a tantrum when Gourry accidentally touched her hand. Gourry traveled with Lina to kill some bandits and accidentally touched her hand. Zelgadiss left Saillune to wander the deserts because a drunk, dying man might have used the words 'desert' and 'cure' in the same sentence. And Amelia," he paused thoughtfully.

"Amelia signed some unimportant papers that had already been signed by everyone else who mattered, and then she read another romance novel and sighed longingly before launching into a speech on something tall."

"Have you been spying on them?"

"No," he pulled out the scrub brush from the bucket. "I don't need to."

Three hours later, there was a knock at the door. Xellos brushed lint from his sweater, and wished that Filia was wearing a similar outfit. At least he got to cover Val's egg with a grey blanket.

Lina and Gourry brought raw carrots. Filia had a brief meltdown, screaming "No! Not again! I am not your_ mule_! Not again!" and breaking a few plates before Xellos pulled her down to sit, a goblet in her shaking hand. The pair dropped the vegetables off in the kitchen, mumbling sullenly that they just thought extra carrots might be nice on salad.

The Mazoku opened the door next time.

Zelgadiss brought wine. Amelia hung on his arm, smiling, even as her husband shot little glares at her. Up close, the princess' smile was strained and didn't fully reach her eyes, even as she ran around embracing her friends and making Xellos retch into the bucket of ice the wine was to be kept in. When she hugged the Mazoku and caused him to spit up blood, she whispered that she knew deep down that he was on the side of light and justice and goodness…and that she liked his sweater.

Of course when they all sat down, she and Xellos were side by side.

There was the usual frantic grabbing of plates and bowls, and Lina stabbed Zelgadiss in the eye with a spoon.

"So," Filia beamed at them all. In the yellow-gold dress, she very much resembled the sun. Xellos was keenly aware of his grey pants and matching sweater. Did that make him the moon? "How have you all been?"

Gourry spoke up before anyone else, his voice unusually cautious. Of course, him speaking first was odd as well. "Lina and I-"

The red-haired sorceress gave him a sharp glare.

"—defeated some bandits. I found a decent sword. Lina got some more money. That's all."

There was something there, but Xellos found himself too bored and distracted whenever the golden dragon bent down to cut the pot roast to care. It was something traumatic and life-changing, but well, that lovely stain-proof dress was cut very low.

"And that's all." Gourry's-in-all-appearance-except-that-she-wasn't lover echoed. Lina took a sip of wine, before abruptly setting down the glass. "No…I better not."

"Why not? Isn't that your favorite vintage?"

Gourry gave her a warning stare. Lina glanced longingly at the wine. "No, it's okay."

Amelia and Zelgadiss were giving each other looks, angry and nervous, when Filia's blue-eyed and much too happy gaze fell on them.

"You know, signed some paperwork. Stopped taxes on those less wealthy from rising," she mumbled.

"Looked for a cure, didn't find one."

"Even in Saillune, all these years, you still couldn't find anything?" Xellos asked, cheerfully. This was his proper meal, though Zelas bless Filia (but let her never find out about their living situation) had made the mashed turnips he enjoyed. The chimera's hand tightened around his butter knife. One eye was still pink from the Lina's spoon.

"Well, Zelgadiss' wasn't looking for his cure the whole time." The princess' tone wasn't the least bit arched. The last time Xellos had seen them, it had taken Zelgadiss' frantic complaints to even get Amelia off him. And even then she'd kept a hand on his shoulder. Now, she didn't even look in his direction. So the bloom was finally off the rose for the newlyweds. Now the resentment would start. Xellos sent a brief thanks to Shabrinigdo that he and Filia had started off with the resentment and had now settled down to an uneasy truce. That was what long standing relationships were all about.

"No." The blue-skinned man's sharp teeth were visible for a second as the old knife in one hand cracked. "I wasn't."

"Is there wine in this?"

Filia thought that Gourry might actually applaud her cooking. No one else had, for sure. "Yes!"

Lina spat out the mouthful of duck. Frantically, she took a long draught of water, while slapping away Gourry's hand that pulled the plate away. As though it were a deadly enemy, the swordsman flung the nearly full platter of duck across the room. Rise and mushrooms a well-prepared duck and the nice sauce Filia had spent hours preparing splattered across the furniture and walls.

Everyone gaped at them.

There were so many things wrong with this picture, that none knew where to begin. Maybe he should have watched the humans closer? Clearly, he had missed something.

Gourry sliced a chunk of his own duck. Lina had more water, and nervously, paranoidly poked at the other dishes. "Good food, Filia," the tall blonde man told her, nodding.

The golden dragon was not amused.

"Does this have wine in it?"

"Everything does!" Which was a lie, but also a punishment for Lina who had either gone insane; or picked up an allergy to grapes, or had a drinking problem and was trying to quit. "Except the salad."

Dead-faced, the sorceress poked at a so-far untouched small wooden bowl of lettuce. "And the dressing…?"

"Red wine vinegar."

"Damnit." She poked at an extra sliver of carrot.

Amelia was being diplomatic. "…is there something we should know?"

"What the fuck is wrong with you two?" was her husband's less polite question.

"I just…" The red-head shot a nervous stare at her partner. "I don't want wine right now."

"Just to be safe."

They seemed to think they were being both comprehensible, as well as reasonable.

But then Amelia suddenly shot up, thankfully only onto her chair rather than their food. "Lina! _Lina_! Are you-"

The slightly taller woman's face went red. She threw her empty glass at the princess. "Shut up, Amelia!"

"_But are you_!"

"Well!-Why are you in that outfit? Are you adventuring again?"

"No! I thought that maybe an emergency would happen since it always does when we're together. I wanted to be prepared."

Lina sighed and rubbed her forehead, world weary. "Preparing. I wish I had done that better."

"So you _are_!"

"Maybe. _Maybe_." She stressed the word.

"That's amazing! I had no idea you and Gourry were being intimate!"

Everyone else but Amelia coughed and gagged. The wine bucket was further desecrated.

Lina threw another goblet. "Shut up, Amelia!"

Xellos was quite lost.

"Well, I guess it's good to know someone can get pregnant."

Amelia knocked over Zelgadiss' glass of wine. "It's not my fault you can't have kids!"

"Gods, Amelia, just tell everyone!"

"Isn't that what you wanted? So you can go soak in self-pity some more?"

Gourry's hand snapped out to touch a shocked Lina's stomach. "Let's get out of here. This can't be good for the baby. All the stress, the wine, Xellos…"

The sorceress slapped his hand away. "Stop it! I don't even know if I am pregnant. Stop touching me!"

"You're carrying my child!"

"We don't know that!"

Zelgadiss upturned his plate. "_They_ get a kid! They don't even want one, and _they _get the kid. Damn Rezo."

"Zelgadiss, we can always try. We can go the priests and see if they can help. We'll get through this." Amelia stroked one arm.

His blue hands were buried in his hair. "They'll probably eat the baby. But_ they_ get a kid. And we don't."

"We would not eat the baby!" Gourry roared. Lina held her head and stared longingly at the duck that smeared the walls.

But the chimera had turned back to his wife. "I just wish I could give you a child. You need an heir, I know."

Amelia kissed his forehead. "It'll be okay. I know it will."

Lina, suddenly fed up when Gourry tried stroking her stomach again, slapped him across the table and upset more plates and dishes. "This is your fault!"

"You're the one that said, 'why don't we just share a sleeping bag! Oh, it's so cold out! Hold me and never let go.' Gourry quotes were said in a high falsetto that did sound not unlike Lina's. Across the room, the other people shivered a little. Sleeping bags would forever be corrupted.

Maybe it was better that he hadn't looked in one them?

The red-haired woman slapped him again, and again. "And what about you! 'Oh, it's okay, Lina, just relax, I'll keep your pants on!' And did you Gourry, did you?"

"You_ told_ me to take them off!"

"Zelgadiss, I don't care. We can adopt or work something out." She pressed her forehead into his, staring deep into his eyes. Xellos shuddered. They were ruining the evening.

"If you say so, Amelia."

Amelia cupped his chin in her hand. "We will. In fact, why don't we start right now?" Without shifting her gaze, she dragged him into the hallway and into a room. The room of the owner of the house.

Lina drove her fist into her lover's stomach, then her knee into his groin. "Next time, when I get for you to 'just take me,' take me to the nearest restaurant, and that's all!" She left him huddled on the floor, stomping down the hall to find an empty bedroom.

Filia was looking into her wine. Xellos sensed bitterness radiating from her, and more than her usual rage and disbelief. They could hear Lina snoring, and Amelia's and Zelgadiss' giggles that suddenly went silent.

So here was the real dessert.

"I guess that's done. A roaring success I'd say."

Filia stared at the wreckage. "Xellos and I are living together," she whispered. "We plan on raising Val together as well."

"Good, Filia. Good for telling them."

There was a sound of sucking and biting. Gourry gnawed at the fallen duck, pulling pieces of mushroom off the walls. "Hey, Filia. This is good."

"Thank you, Gourry."

"And I'm glad to hear that you and Xellos are happy."

Xellos nodded at him rather than correcting him on their state of 'happiness'. "Thank you, Gourry."

"Is there any more cranberry sauce."


	8. Filia Vs Lady Gaga

Filia vs. Lady Gaga

**Inspired by Llybian Minamino list of silly Slayers prompts.**

Filia goes to a Lady Gaga concert

**Part One **

* * *

There were many things she didn't like to talk about. A fondness for vases in the Bysentium area that tended to reveal too much skin. A taste for coffee. Her enjoyment of the color purple.

This event was also one of them.

It wasn't as though she had a lot of spare time on her hands, what with the store, and Val learning to roll around in his egg and knocking everything over. If this was a chance to relax, then who could judge her for it? What she did in her spare time was her business.

And it wasn't like she was the only person to enjoy this. Just the other day, she'd heard one of the clerks at the market talking about how she enjoyed those ridiculous outfits, those hats! even if she wasn't crazy about the latest song, and she was…sixteen.

Surely no one there would point and stare. Would know that she hadn't been sixteen for…quite some time now. They wouldn't circle around her as the strangers in her dreams would, to point and yell accusations for things she certainly hadn't done, closing around her while she fell to her knees and shrunk to become very small and helpless to only cover her face.

If they did, Filia could handle a few humans. If anyone even looked like they were going to going to point and laugh at her, she would just look confused and lost, like she'd stumbled here on accident. Ask for…someone named Lina. Yes, she had lost her friend, who was a big fan of this ridiculousness, and had no idea how she'd even ended up here. Maybe, if things grew dire, she could turn into a dragon.

As soon as she stepped into that amphitheater, she felt at ease.

It was not the ridiculous amount of people there, all ranging from pre-teens to those as old as Filia's great-grandfather, or that those people were dressed bizarrely as a tribute to the woman they were all there to see, regardless of their own gender and statue.

It was the sight of the _hats_ that did it.

So many of them, ranging from small to huge and toppled with dangling bits, ill fitting some perhaps, but all showing care and devotion. This people…they understood headgear.

More than that, people having fun and enjoying what they held in common, a love of eccentric and loud music and this was enough to make them all like each other. People, strangers, hugging and singing their favorite songs together, beaming and complimenting each other

After a minute, she realized she was smiling.

It disappeared at the sight of a skinny not too tall man with horrible hair.

…Was that…?

What? No. That was insane, absurd.

At the least, the vast amount of joy would send him fleeing away to find a puppy to kick.

Still. Look at that hat. Those sequins. Who else but him?

He finally noticed her staring.

There was shame in those purple eyes, something Filia hadn't thought was possible. They just looked at each other, trying to find the right words to cut the other one down, to establish innocence while accusing the other of something so terrible they would curl up in dust from the sheer_ burn _of it.

Nothing came out, however.

Instead, they just walked towards each other, like trying to gauge if the other was a mirage brought on by the sight of too many glowing light spells and the loud noises of high pitched screams.

"Filia."

"Xellos."

"Nice hat."

"Same."

Both of their tongues probed deep into their mouths, trying to stall for time.

"Had no you—"

"And you?"

"Fine."

"Fine."

"Let's just walk away."

"Good."

They turned on heel like the mature adults they were, and walked in opposite directions.

Only after several hundred yards away did the golden dragon allow herself to wonder what his favorite song was. It was like losing a chunk of your tooth, without pain, but annoying and something you just had to probe at and wonder if anyone noticed. She bought sparklers that would have made Jillias roll his eye in exasperation over, tiny torches that shifted color, overprised drinks and foods that hopefully wouldn't spill onto her dress.

By then, everyone was crawling closer to the stage, eyes growing wider and wider, the shrieks louder, and even Filia squealed a little when the lights began to flash and the band came out, and oh my god, there she was right there, and her feathered hat was_ perfect_.

It was nearly religious, as blasphemous as it sounded. Everyone with their emotions and hormones going crazy. People kissing, hugging, singing along. It transcended what she'd expected in every way. The cheers, the lights, the music nearly deafening in the most perfect way, the music part of them and them part of the music, this was better than being back at the temple, all exhilaration, and she didn't feel guilty for being here, for loving this, and oh my god, she _loved this song_.

Her voice was raised to join all the others, and the chorus at the temple camp her parents sent her had never been anywhere this nice. Everyone howling without a care over what note they were hitting and if they were in key, because it didn't matter. Everyone was awesome, amazing, and this night was amazing, and so was _this song_.

She was pushed into people, pushed away, all of them moving even if it was to jump up and down like Amelia when she had too much sugar (which, for her, was any) and made Filia almost wish the others were here. It was so human here, so prime, Lina and Amelia and Gourry would have loved it. Even Zelgadiss might have enjoyed it. Thrown their hands up like everyone else, mashed into each other to hold strangers hands and not cared about how sweaty they were.

Then one of her favorite songs came on, one of her absolute favorite, and she was pushed against a guy, him as warm as her, all scrawny and signing along in a falsetto. The purple sequined hat was nearly falling off his head.

Filia found herself grinning at him, grinning with him. Just beaming at each other, sweat on their foreheads and darkening the colors of their collars. Their voices joining in an unholy way that anywhere else would have gotten them escorted out of hearing range with violence.

She'd never seen Xellos so happy without him actually hurting anyone.

He was pulling her in closer, to whisper in her ear, and make her giggle like Amelia on sugar being tickled. For once he wasn't wearing gloves, and her dress had never felt thinner. "Love this song!"

"I know!"

The closest she'd ever gone to dancing with him was passing out against him during an ill fated 'drinking game' she'd played with her friends, and him clinging to hurt after being hurt from fighting Val. Oh, and when he'd grabbed her to save her from those rocks, only to drop her on her face.

"Jerk!"

"What?"

"I said, you're a jerk!"

"What?"

"I hate you!"

"What?"

But then they were being enveloped by a seal of people, humanity dripping sweat, and then this amazing song came on, and even she had to bob her head like he was, hands still on her waist.

They were so lucky they didn't know anyone here.

Another song came on, then another, then another, and Filia couldn't recall moving much from that stop. Oh, sure, they were both pushed around from the sea of frantic humans, but Xellos was there, always. With that stupid hair in his face, mouth moving along with the songs and she doing the same, laughing and not vomiting when they brushed against the other's skin.

It was insanity. Xellos, a Mazoku, enjoying music, loud happy music, and dancing, and singing along with the artist up there (because that's what she was, an _artist_) about boys and dating. It made her laugh.

The exact details escaped her later. She remembered a brief intermission, changing of outfits, switching her hats for Xellos', sipping sour liquid out of politeness while the purple-haired man chugged tiny drinks filled with umbrellas. Him leading her around, then her leading him, them waving shimmering torches that could turn any color of the rainbow, buying tunics featuring lyrics and pictures of the singer, taking turns gushing about their favorite era of songs released and it turned out both of them loved the same ones.

And maybe she had, maybe, grabbed a few of the umbrellas hanging from his mouth that he sucked on disgustingly after finishing his drink, maybe she had pressed against him, maybe she had taken off his sweaty (how could he even do that?) shirt to replace it with one he'd bought, and maybe, maybe she had taken off her own dress to throw on an extra large tunic that used this great shiny, sparkly picture with lyrics from her favorite song. Maybe there had been a scene at the line of outhouses that had them running from the guards, taunting them with lines from songs.

Maybe there had been handholding. Maybe she had said he had a cute haircut.

Really, it was all a blur.

Things became clearer when the band was putting instruments away, and she found her eyes trailing from the artist who was thanking everyone with her boa nearly touching the ground when she bowed to where their hands were touching. Xellos was going on and on, his tan face flushed, about how his master wasn't crazy about him being here, and she insisted on him being back at the island two hours ago, and he was going to be in such trouble, but it was worth it.

"Xellos?"

"Hmm?"

"Can you let go of my hand now"

"Sure. But, well, I think I should walk you home."

"Excuse me?"

His jaw was hardly moving, but his Adam's Apple was jumping up and down. "You must be tired. I should be a gentleman and walk you home."

"I'm fine. Xellos. Let go."

"It would be rude to just leave you here. An innocent slightly drunk dragon on her own?"

"Xellos. I'm fine."

"Fine." He sighed. "So rude."

"_I'm_ rude?"

"A simple nightcap is all I ask for."

"Didn't you have enough to drink?"

"Of tea then."

Something, her old tutors and mentors with their frowning beards and eyebrows, came back. 'You took a boy back to your house? No? What? YOU TOOK A MAZOKU BACK TO YOUR HOUSE?'

"If you're not so greedy as to not share a single cup of tea with me." His eyes weren't moving from her's.

'You held HANDS with him!'

She felt like she was missing something. A piece of this interaction. "Xellos?"

"Yes?"

"Are you inviting yourself back to my house?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"For tea."

"For tea?"

"And. Perhaps. More?"

"More? As in scones?"

"I. Supposed. Some humans might refer to it as such." Xellos shrugged.

"…are you talking about pastries?"

"I suppose we can have pastries. While we are engaging in antics that involve nudity. Perhaps while singing songs?"

A fly nearly landed into her mouth, and hundreds of miles away, Amelia awoke with an unexplained shudder. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!"

Xellos grabbed an ear with a wince, that horrible voice grating her senses more than the band ever had. "Hey!"

"JERK! Weirdo. I. I don't even know the right word for that." Filia stomped away with a things swirling and flashing around her eyes from lack of sleep. "Pervert! My gods, who says something like that!"

Xellos was yelling at her back. "You held my hand! You initiated interest!"

"Not in that! And you grabbed me!"

Filia refused to look behind her as she stomped away, knowing that he had almost certainly disappeared already, and knowing further that that he would probably be waiting for her at home soon enough. What was wrong with him? Evil, bad taste, lecherous, handholding.

Saying something like that. Touching her most of the night. Abhorrent. A thousand showers would be needed for her to feel clean again.

For now, Filia would just try to do her best to enjoy the peace of walking home from an interesting experience and trying to block the Xellos part of the night out. She found herself humming and muttering a few lines as she walked home, "That boy is bad, and honestly, he's a wolf in disguise…"

**Part Two**

* * *

Filia attended her first concert at the age of sixteen, literally thrown from a moving car and still dizzy from the fumes of Lina's van, a hellish mixture of cheese and old Christmas trees. There was cruel laughter as she fell into a bush, skirt raised high enough that had she not been trying to make sure her jaw wasn't broken, would have embarrassed her.

"We'll see you later!"

"Enjoy the concert!" Gourry sounded so sincere that Filia was sure that he missed the point of this entirely.

Lina honked and waved. "Tell Amelia and Zel we said hi!"

More laughter as they sped away, leaving her in a crowded parking lot with people still trailing inside the concert hall staring at her.

"I don't even like her!" Filia managed to scream, pushing her hair out of her eyes. "It was Val's CD!"

But it was too late. She could only rub her bruised knees and watch the headlights disappear. All that was left was to stumble towards the building that sent up huge beams of light, like a beacon of rescue. They'd taken her cell phone, of course; Lina was nothing if not thorough when it came to muggings.

Music was already busily pouring out, too fast for her taste. She had simple taste in music, a strong dislike for synthesizers and keyboards. Give her a good classical (classical for a reason) piece on a piano, a little guitar if she was on the freeway. Maybe a flute if she was up to it.

Singers didn't even sound like humans anymore when it came to pop music nowadays.

Amelia, though, she loved it. If you couldn't jump up and down in a manic, unmedicated ADHD buzz, she wanted little to do with it. It was her idea for this concert, something she had gone on and on about, trying to convince the others to get interested that they all responded with by rolling their eyes and trying to change the subject.

Except for Zelgadiss, of course. He just went tense, face going a little pale beneath his sheet of hair. As her boyfriend, he had no defense for such a request. Saying no would get him pleading, desperate looks, or hideous pouting glares that seemed to effect him all the same. And if Filia disliked this music, Zelgadiss wanted to shove the sharpest thing he could find into his ears if he heard a single lyric from this singer. His taste too was simple, though much too focused on older, grungy rock.

Still. Better than Lina who enjoyed singers who seemed angry at everyone and required furious headshaking to properly enjoy (which was hideously dangerous when Lina was behind the wheel), and Gourry who was currently obsessed with the Beach Boys, who were so sappy that even Amelia couldn't much more than a few songs from.

All of that only made her feel worse.

The crowds made her want to literally run away. Not just that there were so many people, so many it made the trips to the mall look like nothing, but the quality of people here. The outfits. The hats. My gods, the hats.

She'd been mocked by her own headgear, especially when she'd been forced into those awful braces that went all the way around her skull from the ages of seven to ten, but that was nothing compared to this. Everything glittered, even the feathered hats. It made her blink and hold a hand up to shield her eyes while she looked for her supposed friends.

When she finally managed to find Amelia, she was seemingly_ covered _with glow sticks, standing on the base of a pillar, singing, and trying to get her boyfriend to join in. He was normally good for that, even as his face would contort in grimaces and he would complain later of even knowing the lyrics to those songs. "Come_ on_, Zelgadiss."

Zelgadiss' face was unspeakable. He looked as though he'd just witnessed a horrible car accident, one involving the severing of limbs and fragile bodies exploding, shredded, from the windows. Just like the videos they would show to scare everyone in driver's ed. His eyes were simply too big for his face.

When he saw her, he didn't even look released. Instead, his eyes flashed and told her to run.

"I know," she told him. "But Lina abandoned me."

The shorter girl was outraged. "What? She was our ride!"

"I don't think she cares."

"We should leave." Zelgadiss sounded decisive. "Now. Before it gets too dark out."

Amelia was all huge sad puppy face. "The show hasn't even started yet!"

"We have no ride back. I told your father, gave him _my word_, that I would have you back by eleven."

She waved a hand. "Oh, Daddy doesn't care."

"What?"

"He knows we'll be safe."

"Do you have a cell phone?"

They shook their heads and answered simultaneously. "Lina took ours at school."

Filia wanted to shake a fist at the red-head's general direction. "Damn her."

Amelia shoved both of them towards the doors. "We're getting late. We need to find our seats! Wait. We should just go right down to the moshpit." A word she had most definitely learned from Lina.

Her boyfriend was all chalky again. "That's insane. I told you father that I'd keep you safe-"

"You know, Daddy, he made me give him my word that I would be safe with you."

Zelgadiss paused. "Safe in what way?"

Amelia giggled in the most insidious way. Filia wanted to run away.

"Knock it off you two."

She didn't even need to look besides her to know the teenager was blushing. "Amelia's the one that started talking about it."

More giggling. "About what, Zelgadiss?"

"Shush."

If the blonde girl rolled her eyes back further, she would strain them and have to go to the optometrist. Again.

"Let's just get this over with."

The small dark-haired girl took over. Something she must have also learned from Lina. Shoving them like cattle towards booths for souvenirs, buying beads to throw over their necks, stupid hats that she made Filia replace her own beloved simple hat for and she shoved on her date's head to nearly break his neck. Then Filia was forced to look away and pretend to be someone else as they ended up kissing desperately in their struggle.

By the end, she herself was forced to separate the starry-eyed pair and shove them towards the center of the amphitheater. The chance to sit in their assigned seats disappeared at a single glance at the huge crown of people. The music was deafening. They were pushed forward and back, until they joined the huge gathering by the stage. People here were even more insane, hugging and jumping up and down.

Amelia joined them by jumping up and down in front of Zel, cheering and singing along, while he seemed unable to move his head rude from her chest. Filia wanted to slap him until someone else was slammed into her, and there was a song playing, something about hot blondes in what positions? What?

A guy was staring at her, eyebrows up, trying to make a come on face to her that made her feel sick all over again. He smelled of cologne, and she was certain that he'd snagged it from his father since the scrawny guy with this horrible haircut didn't look much older than her. Especially in a turtle neck. He was mouthing along with words, trying to appear sensual, 'I like you a lot lot, all we want is hot hot', until the next part about boys boys boys came on and he looked uncomfortable.

It broke something in her. Filia started to scream, unnoticed by the vast majority of people around her doing the same. But this loser could see the real rage on her face, and looked momentarily surprised, then grinned in a way that was either psychotic, or showed that he was mentally disabled, which made Filia almost feel bad.

Until he was mouthing 'bad boy with retro sneakers, let's go see The Killers and make out under the bleachers.' And then she noticed his shoes, and hated him.

He was a horrible awkward dancer too, all jerky and worse than even Zelgadiss with that idiotic haircut that was not meant for headshaking. Coming closer to her, and she was surrounded on all sides by people, with no escape no matter how much she panicked and tried to push them away, throwing scared glances behind her shoulders in the weirdo's direction. He saw all this, and only came closer, doing this ridiculous motion with his hips.

She shoved that skinny little jerk as hard as she could, not thinking until later about lawsuits and police action. Her parents were already displeased at hearing about her fights at school, not matter how much Filia tried to explain that it was just with Lina, and she fought with everyone. He bounced off someone else, and went flying back at her, momentum the only thing keeping him on his stupid yellow sneakered feet.

Where was Amelia, Zelgadiss? Then he was flying back into her, nearly breaking her nose on his forehead, and she had to shove him back, it was purely self-defense at this point. The dork came right back, but when Filia pushed him again, she was sure her point of disinterest was made. His hair was a mess, but he was looking up, grinning.

Psycho. Lips moving, eyes all creepy and much too light for his tan skin and purple hair, 'show me your teeth.'

Filia tried to flee, pushing people aside, crawling through warm singing quicksand, just trying to get away, feeling a bruise growing on her cheek. Even the boys in her class, who were far from the sanest individuals, as one collected dolls and proudly showed them off, boys who robbed and beat one another in front of teachers, and her own adopted sibling who in-between getting into brawls on the sports field, would paint flowers on the lockers and write poetry on the gym doors. They would have been appalled by the gall of this man. Even Gourry, who had literally proposed to a shell-shocked and later furious Lina, right there when she was in the middle of spelling bee that she lost, would have said this was too much.

Had she done something to deserve this? Obviously, nothing now to set him off since obviously she hadn't been flirting, but in a past life?

Someone was grabbing her wrist. "Hey. Hey!"

"Get OFF ME!"

"Wait. What's your name?"

"GET OFF ME!"

Somehow, he slid around to stand in front of her, still holding her sweaty wrist.

"Wait. Hang on. You can't just run away. After you assaulted me like that."

"What?"

"I think you owe me dinner for that."

"Get away from me!"

"What's your name? Hang on. I think I know. Mimi."

"Shut up! It isn't!"

He was seizing her up with an awful pair of light purple eyes. "Felicity."

"No!"

"Hmm. Oh, wait. Are you still in high school?"

"Wait. Are you in college?"

"Of course. Haha, how cute." He put his hands together to applaud himself with a single clap. It was girlier than the with the dolls explaining how he sewed the tiny delicate dresses himself. "Do your parents know you're here? Aren't you going to miss your curfew?"

No. And yes. "Well, what kind of creepy guy shows up at these places and tried to pick up high school girls!"

"You picked me up!"

"I did not!"

"Did so. Excuse me," he reached out to grab a stranger. "You saw what she did, right ma'am, how she attacked me?"

The woman pulled away and sped past them.

"Where's the common human decency around here? I need a rape whistle."

"Stop it!"

"Does anyone have a rape whistle? Pepper spray!"

"Shut up!"

It was the easiest thing to grab him by his stupid black puffy vest and try to strangle him with the collars of it. That didn't work, so she was left grappling with him, him _giggling,_ spinning him around, trying to knee him in the groin, hating him, hating him and blaming him for this entire awful night. He was the cherry on the entire goddamn evening.

And she would be grounded for all this was the real kicker.

Her parents would probably send her off to that boarding school after all.

"That tickles!"

"Shut up!"

"Keep doing that thing with your knee. Wait. You're sixteen right?"

"I hate you!" She grabbed a handful of his hair, and he finally stopped laughing.

"Hey. Let's talk about this. Over coffee."

"Gods, you're so disgusting. How can you be so disgusting!"

"Where did you get that hat?"

"You repulse me!"

"'Cause I like that hat."

"Stop following me around!"

"I'm simply walking around. If you are walking in the same direction, I have no control over that."

Her eyes were jumping around in her skull.

"But I really do like that hat. It accentuates your…head. Your hair."

Her cheek was twitching now. Surrounded by people, and no help anywhere. This was from a horror movie.

"I don't know why you're so freaked out. You're lucky I'm not pressing charges from attacking me. It was awfully rude of you. Really, who pushes someone like that."

"In a moshpit?'

He seemed to be thinking that over. Squinting and scratching a cheek. "Fair enough. But no one's ever gotten into a brawl with me in a concert before."

Filia glanced around for an exit. "Do you normally come onto a lot of sixteen-year-olds at concerts?"

"Oh, I love this song. Dance with me?"

"What? Oh gods, no!"

This was that one song they kept playing, one that Filia didn't even understand and resented now to have to hear it not only being sung to her from huge speakers, but nearly straight into her ears from some pervert trying to pick her up. What did 'studded leather kiss in the sand' _even mean_?

Oh gods. This was the first time anyone had flirted with her. Sad.

Where was the romance in her life? All her friends had dates, relationships, and she was stuck with some goober in a turtleneck trying to ask for her ID in-between asking what her sign was. And was she single?

"Oh gods."

"Yeah," he was nodding. "I don't think you're fighting the boys off. Not with that attitude."

"Shut up!"

"Now now. Did you come here alone?"

He was probably going to follow her to her car, copy down the license plate number if not follow her to her home, find out her phone number to call periodically and hang up. No, wait, this guy would leave messages. Terrible ones that she would have to explain to her parent's.

And he was now singing, 'tainted loooove. Don't toooouch me, please I cannot the way you teeeasse." Without any real context, and clashing with the real song in the background. His voice. Oh, that awful voice. It killed part of Filia's soul. Her stomach was actually shaky after hearing that nasally drone. And he had little movements to match it.

She closed her eyes. "I want to go home."

He stopped dancing in place, and thankfully, singing. "Is that an invitation?"

For a brief moment, the fantasy played out of bringing this man home. To meet her parents, who were no doubt waiting for her. To see their expressions of pure horror and grief, not only of their little girl having a 'boyfriend' but of this man in his hipster tight black jeans that really showed off his lack of ass, and that ridiculous haircut and how he would no doubt be so nonchalant about taking their daughter to her bedroom, and joining her for the night. 'See you for breakfast. I like waffles! Now, Filia, let's see if we can make those stuffed animals on your bed cry.' For a moment, Filia understood how people could go skydiving or play Russian Roulette. "No. just a general statement."

"You're an odd girl. I like that. Most girls would already be having their way with me in the backseats of their cars—"

Her outburst of laughter that rocked her entire body shocked even Filia herself. "Ha-ha-hah, sure, sure."

"How dare you. But see, I made you laugh. Girls like that."

"How would you know?"

"Harsh. And coming from a girl I'm already halfway to first base with."

"If you think this is first base, I'm so sorry the public educational system has failed you so much."

"I, eh, actually went to a private school."

"Standards falling all over the place."

"Now now, you would have loved me in my uniform. Tight black pleated pants. Me in my tennis whites. Oh Felicity, honey, don't worry, I'll catch you if you swoon."

"That's not my name!"

"What is it then?"

"It's…" Lie! Say it's Lina Inverse! Lie! Let him stalk her, not you!

"Miss Filia!" Amelia was chirping at her, skipping over somehow, dragging Zelgadiss who seemed unable to focus his eyes anymore.

"'Filia'?" He was beaming, like he'd discovered a cure to some rare disease, all on his own. "Nice. Look how close I was-"

"Hi Amelia!" Filia nearly hugged her. "Let's get out of here."

Amelia was pushing sweaty hair out of her eyes. "What? But we need to call a taxi."

The taller girl grabbed her elbow. "We'll hitchhike if need be. Let's go."

"I have a car!" He sounded as happy as Amelia. They smiled at each other. It made Filia extra sick. What had dinner been exactly anyway? It seemed like hours ago since she'd eaten; she would remember when it came back up.

"Oh, that would be nice."

"Amelia, forget it. I don't want to be in a car with this man."

He was smiling easily. "She's afraid to be alone with me. You know. Hormones, lack of control. Understandable."

The dark-haired girl was nodding. "Oh."

"NO! NO, NEVER!"

"Let's just leave." Zelgadiss' voice sounded grizzled, like he'd picked up a three pack a day cigarette habit for thirty-years in the span of the hour or so they'd been separated. "Who cares whose car it is?"

"Your friend there is right." He was beaming at the other two, while Filia just stared at her 'friends' pleadingly. "I'll get you home in a jiffy."

He would drop her friends off first, then leave her alone with him. Even if her house was closer. It was as though Filia could see into the future.

Of course, if she really could see into the future, she would have seen what would happen tomorrow when her parents finished yelling and grounding her and threatening to get pamphlets to good boarding schools, and when she told her friends all about last night Gourry wanted to know if she'd brought him a hat and Lina was too busy laughing and going 'oh god, Xellos, that guy? He's insane. And a pervert. Can't believe you're dating him.'

And that her shriek of 'aren't you listening to me at all! And how do you even know him!' would get Filia sent to the principal's office.

Amelia didn't notice her horror. "So what's your name?"

"Xellos." He started to lead them out of the pit where Filia felt like she'd left something very important in.

"Hi, there, Mister Xellos!"

Zelgadiss clung to Amelia the entire way out. Xellos chauffeured them out, trying to hold Filia's hand even as she slapped him away, refused especially his offer of one last dance.

The night air had never felt so clean and crisp, and Filia felt a million times better, even as she shivered and wished for a coat. Xellos, an idiotic name that fit him to a t, tried to put his arm around her, and was met with several kicks and an elbow to the ribs. She made sure to even refuse his offer of his puffy ugly vest, and especially started to scream 'no' when he began to remove his turtleneck.

"Fine, fine." He smoothed down his shirt. "My car's right around here. Can't miss it. It's the…purple one."

"…There are several purple ones, Mister Xellos."

"Uh-huh. It's a little brighter than that one. And dark than that one."

"That one?"

"Nope."

"That one?"

"No."

"That one?"

"Mine's a Mazda."

Zelgadiss glanced around. "That doesn't help at all."

Ankles were whacked against curbs as they walked around, yelling, and Filia cursed Xellos even when he found his car. Hating him just for the giant white dice in his rearview window.

"Why does it have a sign saying 'Baby On Board', Mister Xellos."

Of course. He was married and with a baby. Made…not much sense since why would any woman want to marry and procreate with such a creature. But at least she had another excuse to show disinterest besides his personality and looks.

"Oh, I thought it would make people drive more carefully around me."

"Does it work?"

"Nope. Give me a second." He was digging through his jean pockets while Filia clutched her forehead and leaned against the door of the Mazda.

"If you lost those keys." Zelgadiss still sounded out of it. "I will murder you right here."

"Calm down there. Hmm. Filia?"

"What?"

"Could you help me out here? I need an extra hand in these pockets."

Filia reached down for a chunk of cracked pavement. "You stay away from me!"

He touched his vest. "Oh. Here they are."

Inside, it smelled of wet dog. Filia didn't even bother to ask. She simply tore down the 'Baby on Board' sign and held her tongue. The leather seats were freezing under her butt, but it was so nice to be sitting. And the seats were better than the stained carpet and jerry-rigged stools set up in Lina's van.

"Aw, Filia." He started up the engine and was immediately turning on the heat and pushing the vents towards her. Immediately, she was suspicious. "But there's a possible baby in this car now."

"Who? Wait. Is that an insult about my age?"

"Oh no. I was simply insinuating that that you could my 'baby' if you agreed to go out for coffee with me. But thanks for the age comment."

"…Awww."

Filia threw the sign towards the back seat. "Shut up Amelia."

"But it was cute."

Xellos stuck out his tongue at the seething blonde. "I see how you immediately jumped to be besides me."

All she could come up with was, "Yourf backseat smelled too awful."

"See. This wasn't so bad."

Filia glanced around her shoulder. "What? What are you talking about?"

Amelia leaned back in her seat, smiling the wise smile of Buddha, or Lina when she had blackmail on you. "Zelgadiss and I got a chance to dance. That was nice."

Zelgadiss grumbled nonsense.

"And Filia even met someone! Someone who didn't run away when she got violent."The last part was said nearly under her breathe. Filia heard every word.

"What? What are you talking about! I didn't meet anyone!"

"But…Mister Xellos?"

"He's not anyone!"

Xellos was laughing. "Oh, Filia. I'm not anyone? More than a simple anyone? How sweet. How old are you again?"

"Shut up! You're not anyone because you're not people!"

Xellos was fumbling with a CD case.

Filia gave him a flat glare. "Don't you dare.

"Don't even think about it."

He smiled blandly, sliding the CD into the neat little player.

"Don't even."

The tanned fingers hitting buttons.

"I hate you."

Him mouthing along, 'He ate my heart, he ate my heart.'

"So much."


End file.
